1 You chose the wrong coach
Coaches deal with different aspects of life and work. (Did you ask yourself ‘do I want someone to offload all my worries to and to be listening and sympathetic ear and say there there’ or did you ask ‘do I want someone to motivate me? Or did you ask ‘do I want someone to help/guide/assist me in my career or business?’ Different coaches deal with different aspects.
Did you ask ‘do they have business experience?’ What kind of training do they have? ‘Are they recommended?’ Notice when you initially meet them do they carefully question how you say what you say or do they rephrase or paraphrase your language and you’re too polite to comment.
2 You relied on the coach to tell you what to do
The only person in life who is in charge of you is you. You are ‘driving your bus’. Admittedly there will be times in everyone’s life when we want to give and or abdicate responsibility. Ultimately you have to make your own decisions without hearing from someone who tells ‘oh that happened to me, what I think you should do is….’ Incidentally ‘should’ is about the other person about how they think or tell you what to do. You will most probably ultimately find that what you should do (according to them) was not the right thing to do.
3 You weren’t in the right place at the time
Coaching is not intended to resolve the deeper underlying issues that are the cause of serious problems like poor motivation, low self-esteem and poor job performance.
When we go into a coaching relationship we do that in the belief that we are self-aware and a ‘whole person’ and that we have chosen coaching because we don’t require a therapeutic intervention. It can be that even with underlying issues we will experience success within a coaching context even without resolving the underlying issues. If we become ‘stuck’ and the coaching is not achieving desired results, then a therapeutic intervention may be necessary for me to move forward and achieve your goals. Therapeutic interventions are not coaching and even coaching using NLP is not therapeutic and as a coachee you need to be clear on that.
4 You didn’t like the task you were given. If you and your coach agreed that you would do certain things by a deadline and you didn’t like what you agreed. Then there are options:
A. Life got in the way
And it does, tell your coach and re-arrange the deadline. Be aware – if you keep on changing your coaching dates – do you need to ask yourself ‘why am I allowing this to happen? After all the most successful people in life juggle things, work through things, overcome obstacles, ask for help, delegate and more.
B. Say you didn’t/don’t like it and then talk that through with your coach. Your coach
Your coach offers you a supportive and motivating environment to explore what you want in life and how you might achieve your aims and desires and fulfil your needs. There is no such thing as failure in life and your coach’s job is to enable you to get to where you want to be.
C. Give up and say coaching didn’t work for you
If you choose this option perhaps ask yourself how willing you are/were to commit and if you are prepared to make changes to your behaviour(s). When we stay the same so do other people. Or other people actually become worse because they will tire of our behaviour.
Bear in mind when you change your team or change your job you will still take you with you. We have to ‘be the change we want to see in the world’.
Sometimes we get in our own way with our beliefs. Discuss this with your coach, be open and honest with your coach (and yourself). Say what didn’t work and get them to assist you to get to where you want to be. The coaches job is to assist you commit to action and be a sounding-board for your experiences.
D. Ask your coach to help you
If you coach has additional qualifications such as NLP, CBT etc. they are in a position to assist you but you both must agree that this is what happening. Or get your coach to recommend you to a qualified practitioner or find someone who someone else recommends, in that they have worked with them.
E.You didn’t like the fact that your coach asked you to set goals/outcomes/objectives.
In the coaching sessions you and your coach will generally be more concerned with the practical issues of setting goals and achieving results within specific time-scales. Coaching allows you the personal space and support you need to grow and develop. Your coach’s key role can be in assisting you to maintain the motivation and commitment needed to achieve your goals. However they aren’t there to ‘kick your butt’ or be ‘on your case’ every day. If you think you need that then there are behaviours and beliefs that could do with changing on your part.
Only you are in charge of you and only you will do what you agree to do with yourself.
If you’d like to know more about coaching with me Rosie O’Hara please contact me via the Developing Works website, tel. +44 (0) 7796 134081, +44 (0)1224 900748, +44 (0)1309 676004.
This is a transcript of a technique that I wrote in 2010 and meant to include in my second
book ‘No More Bingo Dresses’ and for some reason didn’t.
This technique is based on modelling work carried out by Richard Royce in 1995; he modelled 3 individuals of whom I was one. I recently (2010) realised I had used and put into practice this technique far faster than ever before in my life (and now unconsciously), partly due to my knowledge and skills and experience in NLP and also partly due to the realisation I needed a faster reaction than I might have had in the past given such a “crisis” and the need for me to “move towards” to a good and useful result in life, to be “proactive”, and take control over my life.
This exercise is useful to learn in case of crisis times which may occur and also to work with individuals who are in a crisis state and can’t yet find the way out.
What follows is the practice exercise to use in a group to develop an understanding. When working with an individual, presuppose they already have the physiology to avoid too deep an association.
Sit or stand in a position where you are on your own (isolation), look down (avoidance), feel tension in your stomach and your back. There is an overwhelming blackness descending on you and everything is becoming hopeless. (Only allow this to happen for a short period of time).
Whilst still accessing this hopeless state, start to look up to the left and right, whilst doing this breathe into the blackness in the stomach, move both hands “weighing up possibilities”, slowly move the shoulders back, breathing, breathing all the time, noticing relief, noticing how everything is becoming easier, there is a way forwards, there is a way out of this. Notice how the feeling in your stomach lifts up and moves away.
Ask yourself what possibilities are there? What opportunities do I have? What happens when I make my own decisions? What will make me feel good? (Advanced NLPers will know to ask themselves “how can I make myself feel good?”).
Tell yourself – I am capable, I can be in control, I am in control.
Step outside yourself and look at the new you, you are becoming, strong and dependable, in control. Do you need to add anything to this?
Take this new you and move forwards, starting to plan, create a series of visual images of places to go, things to do. Where do I go to ask? What will I see in the future, what will that future look like, sound like and feel like? What resources do I need, which of those can I create myself?
Anchor this new you in appropriate way. If necessary go back and practise, tweak, add and change whatever is necessary.
Contact me via http://www.developingworks.com or +44 (0) 7796134081
Do you like to be told what to?
Most of us don’t usually. We want to decide for themselves.
Depending on how we say and do something (or don’t say and do it), our ideas will be considered or immediately dismissed by the other person/other people. When people are processing life, the world and the universe in this way, they are have an Internal Motivation Pattern.
When people are in Internal Mode, they like to gather information and evaluate it for themselves and hate having someone decide for them. In fact, they love to make their own decisions, based on what is important to them.
So here are the Top Ten Things to Avoid Saying to an Internal (or someone who feels that way)
Words That Close Minds
1. You should …… (almost guarantees they won’t)
2. I need to talk to you. (especially unhelpful to say to your partner in life)
3. I have the solution to your problem.
4. I know what you did wrong.
5. I know why that won’t work.
6. I told you so.
7. I have a better idea.
8. You should have an open mind about this.
9. Here’s what everyone thinks about what you did/do/will do.
10. No one is doing that any more.
Top Ten Suggested Things to Say to an Internal
Words That Open Minds
1. I have an idea that I’d like to run by you to find out what you think.
2. May I make a suggestion?
3. What would you think if we ……?
4. When you are deciding about X, what are the most important things?
5. I have an idea that may not be completely useless.
6. Here’s what I think….. what is your opinion?
7. You said that X, Y, and Z were important, so that’s why I’d like to suggest ….
8. Here is something that you may wish to consider.
9. Here is something that you may wish to avoid.
10. You be the judge.
It’s interesting to note the differences between the two approaches. The first list is mainly about you deciding for the other person, while the second encourages the other person judge for his/herself.
Which list ‘makes you feel better’? Which list do you think would get you better results?
With thanks to Shelle Rose Charvet
For more info on Words that Change Minds please click here
Recently I bumped into someone I hadn’t seen for a while and I asked; ‘How are you? How’s things?’ Immediately their shoulders slumped, their head moved slightly down and forwards and they give a little apologetic laugh. It was all actually very slight and the reply I got was ‘oh, I’m just plodding along.’ They hadn’t really needed to say much their body posture said it all (to me).
‘Just plodding along?’ I queried in a ‘pass the salt tone of voice’ with great respect, no shift in tonality.
‘Yes,’ they replied and shrugged. It was like what I would call an ‘Eyeore experience’ believing other forces in the world were in control of this person. What the LAB Profile® calls a Reactive pattern waiting for something to happen to make them move on. ‘Oh well, that’s the way it is, you have to go with the flow,’ shoulders down, air of resignation. The Eyeore character (Winnie the Pooh – A.A. Milne originally) does this, he reacts. That’s the way things are, things happen for a reason, what can you do?
I found the ‘just plodding along’ response a little disturbing, particularly because this was at a business networking event. This person owns a business, being in a ‘reactive’ mode can mean that people believe in chance and luck, and that the current state of affairs is caused by outside forces, greater than the person is. When having or being stuck in this pattern people may spend a great deal of time in apparent inertia. At times they don’t seem to ‘get started’. They can operate with extra caution and study situations endlessly before they do anything. There are of course situations where this extra caution and studying is useful, i.e. if we need someone to analyse something but the worst case scenario is that nothing happens.
As the LAB Profile® patterns rarely appear in isolation when this Reactive pattern is coupled with Away From, recognising what should be avoided and got rid of, what they don’t want, then people will only respond to negative situations. Goal focus can become a problem they will see things getting worse, when in fact a little work and perhaps research and another option or way of doing things might be available. Add to this inertia, focus on what is wrong the pattern of consistently being convinced, that is the need to re-evaluate every day makes the person sound or become sceptical. Along with at times the habit of being lost in the detail nothing happens, shoulders slump and the ‘just plodding along becomes not just a phrase but a habit.
Do you want that habit or something different? Contact me for help, tips, suggestions, coaching 01309 676004 or 01224 900748.
Here’s a technique – part one of three
See the detail as images, look up to do this.
When you think about your images – ‘what are your images like?’, ‘are you still?’, ‘are you moving?’, ‘is there more than one?’
Ask yourself: ‘When you see these images, what are you seeing?’ (Look up to do this). Think about this and write down what you are seeing and ask yourself more questions such as ‘are these images near or far?’, ‘colour or black and white?’, ‘large or small?’
Then ask yourself ‘what’s important to you?’ that question is either about these pictures or what you want in life. In your answer are you talking about achieving things or avoiding problems? ‘What’s important about that?’
Now in your mind’s eye ‘put a frame around those images that are important to you’ and check out what these images are doing now. ‘Are you still important?’ The images might continue to move in that case say to yourself ‘as these images are moving, I see them …. still …. and as I am seeing them still’ ask yourself ‘what do I notice?’
Do you want or need to pull the images closer, what happens when you do that? Do you want or need to stick/tack/add some of them together to make a film, make a gallery? What happens? What do you need to do to make this more compelling?
You might like to know how to create a resourceful state for working on the above and you will find it useful by the time we get to part three of these posts. Here’s how to do it
Creating a resourceful state
Choose three ‘anchors’ (see below) which will become connected, or associated, to the resource.
Visual find a visual image which evokes the feeling of confidence, e.g. the scene from the time when you did feel confident, or maybe a symbolic image of your choice.
Auditory find a word or phrase and tonality which you can say to yourself that evokes the feeling, e.g. ‘I’m feeling confident!’
Kinesthetic make a gesture, e.g. clench your fist, squeeze your fingers, etc.
Like some help with this? Join us in Aberdeen for the Saturday Coaching Club click here or phone Rosie on 01309 676004 or 01224 900748.
We all network, in some way, whether it’s a chat down the supermarket or at the football match, at the hairdressers, having a coffee etc. And we network for different reasons. 10 tips or suggestions here.
1. Be passionate – about yourself, your work and the company you represent
2. Set a goal – i.e. plan and prepare before attending events. Ask yourself what do you want to achieve from this event?
3. Don’t butt in on other people’s conversations. If someone is deep in conversation hover respectfully then say ‘Hi, I am or I’d like to meet you.’
4. Don’t think ‘What’s in it for me’ but ‘what’s in it for the other person, who might you connect them with?’
5. Follow up to build trust, do what you say you’re going to do when you say you’ll do it
6. Don’t hear ‘no’ only ‘not yet’ – spot opportunities for the future. 7. Be patient – it takes time to build relationships and let people to do business with you.
8. Ask open questions – by doing this you get better answers and create more business opportunities. Listen actively – we learn nothing by talking, only by listening. Know when to talk, when to listen.
9. Don’t use 50 shades of ‘really’. Indicate sincere interest or make a plausible excuse to move on. Sadly some people are boring, only interested in themselves, or just rude and bear in mind some people are new to this networking and are nervous which makes them all of the aforementioned.
10. Enjoy yourself. If you don’t, think about what was going on. Take a fly on the wall position. Was it the venue? Was it the format? What was it? Next time, do something different or try out a different format. Or network online and then meet individuals in a safe and public place for one to one networking.
I was at an event not long ago, where a guy told me what he did and said ‘I don’t suppose you’d be interested in what I do.’ Aha I thought’ really? How do you know?’ I then asked him if he could recommend someone to me who would provide a certain service based on what he had said, he replied ‘oh all the guys I know would be too busy, look in yellow pages’. There ended the conversation.
I would also like to add something one of my associates said too me once ‘if you network and hand your card to people, then expect them to contact you and when they do be respectful, throwing your toys out the pram because you’re on someone’s mailing list could potentially lose you a referral or future business’. Otherwise in the words of Daniel Priestley all you have done is collected a heap of business cards; you need to make networking work.
If you want help or ideas on language to get other people to understand you better or for you to understand them better, or help on confidence or presenting yourself to others – please contact us 01309 676004, 01224 900748, 07796 134081. http://www.developingworks.com
1) Address the person by name.
Even in an email and start with a greeting, so Hi, Hello, Good Morning, or even that to some people outdated Dear. Why you might ask? Well the person then feels like a person and not a thing. Plus at times being addressed by your First name in a short, sharp email can come across as a rebuke (55% of the people you are communicating with are predominately Visual) – they see and what they can at times see is Fred blah, blah. And even not in emails when your colleague or significant other is deep in thought addressing them by name, means it opens the file in their head that switched the part of their brain on that says ‘oh a communication with me’. How many times have you been interrupted when deep in thought?
2) Make sure they are on your page
Make sure you are both on the same page, both thinking about the same thing. This burning question or thought in your mind my well not be the most important thought in their mind. (We can only concentrate on seven plus or minus two things at a time and there are thousands it not millions of things going on in and around us (consider how many bits of information your body itself needs to keep you standing or sitting). So you’ve started with ‘Hi Fred,’ and instead of saying something like ‘I noticed at the other day your priorities have changed’ (because Fred’s priorities from the other day will be different today unless he’s a slug intent on eating your lettuce and Fred will have no idea what you are talking about). Say Fred on Wednesday I noticed you were doing such and such, last year when we spoke you told me you weren’t going to do that anymore, has something happened to change your priorities.’ In all kinds of conversations this really works and saves endless hassle on both sides. (It also saves Fred from telling you his wife is having an affair, when actually what you mean was he had said he was going to try out contact lenses.) Also more here on Words (and Wheelbarrows)
3) Have Rapport
The best way to communicate with another person is to first synchronise yourself with some aspect of their behaviour (match/mirror/pace it) and then change yourself (to leading the conversation). However, it is important to check that the other person wants to go where you are leading, so you need a “shared outcome” or you aren’t going to get to where you want or need to be. You can also ‘meet them at their bus stop’, in them in their reality (that’s a little like when we all complain about the weather). Talk at their pace, keep at an appropriate distance from them, not in their space, smile and at least point your body in their direction.
4) Believe in yourself
If you don’t believe in you, no one else will do and being congruent so your head and how you feel being in line with what you are going to say works best. If you need some help with confidence, find a good NLP Trainer or the like who will help you with this, by means of a simple technique.
5) Have an outcome in mind
What do you want from this interaction? Just to get to know them? Just to introduce yourself? To get their details? Will you follow up? Whatever you do you are selling yourself, people come back to people they like and trust.
6) Listen to what they say
Listen and repeat back some of their words, not what you think they said. Be interested, if you’re not interested in what they are talking about, you will know someone who will be and you want them to be interested in you. Surely you do, or do you want them to tell someone else, ‘yes I met so and so and they don’t listen.’
7) Smile and remember to say good bye
As you move on and tell them how much you enjoyed speaking to them.
Curious about more please contact me +44 (0)7796 134081, +44 (0)1224 900748, +44 (0)1309 676004 or take a look Developing Works to find out how this would work for you individually or for your team, or to employ the right people for your company.
Are you? Does everyone else seem to be? Are you waiting for the best option to come along? Or waiting for a better option?
Every day we are bombarded with the ‘must haves’, the ‘buy now’ (as well as the ‘unique’, the ‘new’, the ‘different’ – that’s another story). And in these current times when a lot of what the media gives us is about doom and gloom, what do we focus on?
Some people become very inward looking and referenced to themselves in the face of uncertainty and then they start to decide for themselves. They may take on outside information and process that information and then store it somewhere in their memory banks. Ultimately they make their own decision and sometimes they make that decision only based on noticing what is wrong or can’t be done in respect of whatever it is you would like them to do. Now this might be to buy something, book on a meeting, or do something at home, or not.
How could this be? Well it depends on how people are motivated. We have motivation patterns; people can be motivated to avoid a problem that has yet to occur or to fix an existing problem. It can also be that they are motivated to avoid something or someone. To know where people are coming from we will need to know what is important to the individual – what their hot buttons are, both negative and positive.
So if people find something boring or “not interesting” they may be motivated to avoid getting involved. If privacy is important, the individual may be motivated away from what they believe is an “infringement of privacy” and want to avoid participating. Some people begin to think at a below conscious level “you know too much about me!” so if you send someone a letter or an email at some below conscious level they might be thinking you are getting inside their head, prying into their personal affairs.
If you address someone by name therefore they may be upset because you use their name. Conversely for some people a nameless email is not caring about them, they like and value personal relationships and will respond better to you. The name issue may also have something to do with the fact that recipient values the personal side of contact in that context or their life. It can also be that they are more interested in facts. It just goes to show how complex we as human beings are and which factors come into play.
In a nutshell in the present ‘economic climate’ it seems that some people are more focussed on, paying attention to what might go wrong or what might need fixing, especially with regard to other people. Do your ears prick up when someone tells you they have a problem? Do you feel almost compelled to respond? These people are motivated by deadlines because they have a need to avoid the difficulties that could occur when these deadlines are not met. Although they may be good at times at working towards achievement but will usually put this aside if there’s something that has to be solved.
During challenging times customers/clients prefer to wait, analyse, consider and think. This may lead to them waiting endlessly and having difficulty making a decision. So it might be useful to ask, so when you think things through and consider the problems so that a decision can be made. What do you think now?
You might notice when these same or some other people have a problem, they may change the way they react. They will want action now and they will do whatever it takes to get it. They expect you or the person they are talking to, to take whatever initiative is needed, and to do it quickly.
Going back to the people who are motivated to decide based on their own internal standards and criteria. They do not want to be told what to do. Bold statements and Command Language will raise their resistance. It’s best to invite this kind of client to decide for themselves, using phrases such as here’s some information you may want to consider or may I make a suggestion? Their behaviour is based on the belief that anyone who doesn’t fit his or her own expectations is out of order.
What might we do to work this; working round is not necessarily an option. A really good example is the MasterCard advert, remember that?
“This costs [that much]. That costs [this much]. This costs [that much]. This [thing or event]: priceless. Some things money can’t buy, for everything else, there’s MasterCard.
This slogan was extremely successful for MasterCard. What happens here is, using the repetition we are speaking in terms of a process or procedures approach it is then followed by an options twist at the end. “For everything else”. The slogan uses a story, offers options and allows the listener, watcher (reader) to make a decision either based on measuring against what they know and believe to be true or to be influenced by the content of the stories on the screen and make a decision based on ‘wanting to be like that’.
There are ways and means of finding out what motivates others (and ourselves). Interested? For all the information you need to decided click this link.
1. Give Yourself a Present
Yesterday doesn’t exist, except as a memory, memories are very unreliable, have you worked that one out? When you experienced yesterday, it was n-o-w. Tomorrow doesn’t exist either, except in your imagination; when you experience tomorrow, it will be n-o-w. And as it’s all that exists, it’s a good idea to experience it, so… – Sit with your feet flat on the floor, in a comfortable, centred position (spine straight, hands on your thighs or at your sides, breathing comfortably.) With your eyes open or closed, allow yourself to become aware of the different sounds, sights, smells & sensations around you. This is the present moment. This present is the only thing that matters, give yourself this every now and again, focus and you will be better able to cope with life, the world in general.
2. Avoid the ‘shoulds’.
Most of us have a large pile of ‘shoulds’ at home, the things I ‘should’ do, the things he/she ‘should do’, the council ‘should do’, etc. Those things that it’s easiest to shelve off to others, blame others for. What the LAB Profile calls ‘concealed Away Froms’. Things we avoid doing. So ask yourself ‘what’s important that ………..?’. and you know maybe it’s not quite so important and we can survive without it or without it being done and get back into the present.
3. Avoid the ‘I did/made/bought this specially for you’
This is the classic guilt thing, the stuff that the ‘reindeer jumper’ in Bridget Jones’s Diary is made of! The classic whatever type of mother (or a.n. other) comment ‘I spent so many hours in the kitchen making this’, ‘I spent so much money on this’. This is the guilt thing; this can lead to ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’ etc. It’s useful to ‘take a mental step back from this’. To perhaps ‘go to the balcony’ ‘or imagine you’re a fly on the wall’ and look at all of this and notice what’s going on and that ‘no; is a good word to use.
4. Think before you open your mouth
Err sometimes it’s just that simple;) Taking a mental or even physical step back can help here.
5. Go on holiday a long way away from anyone else;)
Or just shut yourself away and have some quiet time:0 It’s great no hang over, not over eaten, watched what you wanted on TV, read when and what youw anted and evnif you like tidied the house. Enjoy yourself.
Whatever you do, Peace to you and enjoy.
(Photo courteous of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)
Mostly we use these phrases above when we are talking about motivation. One way to motivate people is by ensuring that they believe in the vision, be that the organisational vision, or the vision of their leader or manager. It’s handy to bear in mind there are people who merely go to work to ‘earn money’. Money is their only motivation, as long as they have done their bit, they are happy. They want to turn up at work, have no aggro, get on with it and then go home, often on the dot of finishing time. In fact they have switched everything off, cleared their desk, got their coat on and are out of the door at ‘finishing time’ on the dot.
Do we actually know our employees and what motivates them? Have we employed people who will ‘just do the job and no more’ or have we spent time ensuring we know what the job requires in terms of skill set? And wait for it, in terms of personality type and does the person we offered the job to have the right personality for the job? Are they a people person? Or are they like a Scotrail condutor I recently encountered who regarded passengers as an interruption to the smooth running of the train?
In terms of the Language and Behaviour (LAB) Profile® his focus was on ‘Thing’ (well at that time – because I have encountered him once before when by watching his eyes and listening to the tone changes in his voice he was focused on people and that was when the train was running late). However at this particular point in time, he was focused on his job on the right way to get things done and also on his opinion of who I was. I decided to sit where I was told (I was still in First Class) and someone moved very quickly to accommodate this man. I was curious why he was acting this way as the last time I had encountered him I had been able to persuade him to phone ahead and find out about the connection. There again it could because my skilful use of language previously had worked this time he ‘wasn’t having any of that’, she tricked me last time. I doubt in fact that he recognised me. But it was powerful proof to me that given different circumstances we react differently.
In respect of rules and motivation, if we have too many rules (and some industries and organisations have many!) then those people who dislike rigidly following procedures (about 40% of the population at work), if they not given options will start to leave. Look at how many opportunity seekers/rule breakers leave a company when voluntary severance is offered. What happens, those who stay eventually internalize the rules and then what we have is a workforce that is highly critical of anyone, absolutely anyone who wants to do anything different? Ring any bells?
We then fall into the blame frame, the blame culture. And how do we motivate in that type of culture?
More next time.