So last time I mentioned the Satir Categories, well the Blamer. So here a little more on these categories. What I think is interesting about Virginia Satir is that she was a family therapist, so why mention her in the context of work? Well we often spend more time at work than with our families so work becomes our family. Sobering thought.
Virginia Satir was one of the people modelled in the early days of NLP. She was a highly effective family therapist. Virginia identified, in her book People Making, the following behaviours; they are not exclusive to dysfunctional families. We can notice them everywhere.
Virginia had four behaviours that were responsible for many conflicts and one used for resolving conflict and bringing people together.
There is an NLP Presupposition or Operating Belief ‘Mind and body are part of the same system and what effects one affects the other’. For example if you hunch up when sitting at the PC and trying to meet a tight deadline, you will feel stressed and then that stress will manifest itself physically in your shoulders, back, or elsewhere. Our bodies react to whatever changes our minds go through and vice versa.
Your body gives signals to other people and sometimes people will read these signals incorrectly. However when you create a smokescreen and gloss over your problems in your mind, others will intuitively know that something is incongruent and their reaction to us may not be the one we intended, they might ‘write us off’ or they might ‘treat us in a way we didn’t want’.
Distracters seek attention to compensate for their feelings of loneliness or inadequacy. The positive intention (‘all behaviour has a positive intention’ – another operating belief) behind this behaviour is to protect them from facing up to things. Distracting behaviour includes removing a hair from your jacket while talking, sabotaging a conversation by making a joke, interrupting a conversation, frequently changing the subject. There are many types of distracting behaviour that people use to deflect attention from a subject that may be reminding them of their feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. (Over time this becomes a pattern and they are not consciously aware of what they are doing)
The placater is out to please – talking in an ingratiating way, never disagreeing and always seeking approval. Feelings of an inability to cope alone create a martyr or ‘yes man’ (or woman!). A placater is often the first person to accept blame when things go wrong. (Over time this becomes a pattern and they are not consciously aware of what they are doing)
See the previous blog post;)
Computer-like behaviour is very correct and proper but displaying no feeling. The voice is dry and monotone and the body often very still and precise in its movements, which are at minimal – masking a feeling of vulnerability. (Over time this becomes a pattern and they are not consciously aware of what they are doing)
And there’s the Leveller but that’s for next time
Maturity plays a large role in many different aspects of life. To achieve in your career or work environment, it’s important to be mature and surround yourself with similar people. If you have the misfortune to work in a place where there is a lot of gossip, messing around and other immature behaviour going on, it may be hard to succeed or achieve your aims in your job. Even worse, you might become a part of this behaviour and lose any sense of professionalism that you had in the first place. Having fun at work is completely possible and a legitimate desire for many people. It’s important to realise that there is such a thing as having too much fun that then leads to your success being hindered by your actions and behaviours.
The best work environments are those where there are no tangled webs of gossip and relationships that keep people from being productive. These behaviours show signs of great immaturity on the entire company’s part.
Like the girl at the soft play area recently where I was with my grandsons –
As soon as we walked into soft play area we saw this – near the entrance is a tyre-like swings, but now they are more like a shell in which 2 children (sometimes more can sit). Children just love them, it gives the illusion of control and a swing that moves on a pivot above, so little actual physical exertion required. These are popular a bit like bike or rowing machine in the gym where you can watch TV, until the bully shows up that is. In this case, the bully came disguised as a cute little girl immaculately kitted out and wearing a ‘butter wouldn’t melt’ look on her face. She marched pertly up to the swing (past the whole queue), took a look at the two sitting in the swing and began push the child nearest to her out to make room for herself. Eventually the ripple effect of the force caught up with the other child and he fell out of his side of the swing. Ignoring the fuss around her, the bully looked quite content, but quickly realised she didn’t have full control of the ropes. Two more swift pushes and she was all alone in the swing, a smug smile on her face and two crying victims on the ground next to her. She was going to get what she wanted regardless of who was in her way. Some bullies never grow up and take their bad behaviour to work.
What is interesting is that in applied psychology we talk of the ‘secondary gain’ or ‘positive intention’, the unconscious ‘reasoning’ behind why we do something. The thing that our action gets for us, sometimes however whatever that is that we get is non-apparent as we grow up, grow older, become more mature. At some point in our life this behaviour, or maybe what is now seen as a dysfunction worked for us. It got us something (or at least the illusion of a pay-off), but as we grow older, as adults eventually these behaviours cost us more than they actually get us (although we may not see this at the time).
There is a technique called the New Behaviour Generator please contact me if you would like a copy of how to do this- contact me via http://www.rosieohara.com or http://www.developingworks.com or phone 07796 134081
Here’s a technique – part one of three
See the detail as images, look up to do this.
When you think about your images – ‘what are your images like?’, ‘are you still?’, ‘are you moving?’, ‘is there more than one?’
Ask yourself: ‘When you see these images, what are you seeing?’ (Look up to do this). Think about this and write down what you are seeing and ask yourself more questions such as ‘are these images near or far?’, ‘colour or black and white?’, ‘large or small?’
Then ask yourself ‘what’s important to you?’ that question is either about these pictures or what you want in life. In your answer are you talking about achieving things or avoiding problems? ‘What’s important about that?’
Now in your mind’s eye ‘put a frame around those images that are important to you’ and check out what these images are doing now. ‘Are you still important?’ The images might continue to move in that case say to yourself ‘as these images are moving, I see them …. still …. and as I am seeing them still’ ask yourself ‘what do I notice?’
Do you want or need to pull the images closer, what happens when you do that? Do you want or need to stick/tack/add some of them together to make a film, make a gallery? What happens? What do you need to do to make this more compelling?
You might like to know how to create a resourceful state for working on the above and you will find it useful by the time we get to part three of these posts. Here’s how to do it
Creating a resourceful state
Choose three ‘anchors’ (see below) which will become connected, or associated, to the resource.
Visual find a visual image which evokes the feeling of confidence, e.g. the scene from the time when you did feel confident, or maybe a symbolic image of your choice.
Auditory find a word or phrase and tonality which you can say to yourself that evokes the feeling, e.g. ‘I’m feeling confident!’
Kinesthetic make a gesture, e.g. clench your fist, squeeze your fingers, etc.
Like some help with this? Join us in Aberdeen for the Saturday Coaching Club click here or phone Rosie on 01309 676004 or 01224 900748.
You might well be familiar with some of the things on the list below, but did you know that the Language and Behaviour (LAB) Profile® not only provides you with some statistics in this respect, it can also provide you with language clues and motivational language to address these issues?
Some of these things may seem obvious to you, I’m always surprised that when I discuss these topics with managers who are complaining about their people not performing, there will often be one item from this list that can be addressed and will make a huge difference.
1. People don’t know how
According to the research (shown in the book Words that Change Minds, by Shelle Rose Charvet), 60% of the working population are motivated by the need for a procedure, and about 40% of the population may even grind to a halt if they don’t have a procedure to follow. As a manager, often with many years of experience doing particular jobs, it is easy for us to assume that a particular task is so easy that ‘anyone can do it’. It’s important to ensure that you give people a procedure. Specify the steps and stages of the task and if necessary make a list of bullet points.
2. People don’t know why
Rodger Bailey’s research (Words that Change Minds) also identified that 60% of the population will need a reason to do something in order to be motivated. Again, about 40% of the population are simply not motivated to do something if they don’t think there is a valid reason for doing it. How effective are you at explaining the reasons why a particular task or job needs to be done? Some of the reasons for certain tasks change over time and in the current climate. It will be critical to explain this to your staff and to give them both the things they will avoid and the things they will gain from this action. Find out what’s important to them and then use the LAB Profile language to influence them to do what you need them to do.
3. People didn’t know they should
This is about rule clarity. The predominant management style is today often very collaborative and ‘requests’ are made rather than ‘orders’ given. This is not saying you should order your people about, however for some people (only 7% according to Bailey’s research, although in my experience this can vary in given contexts which are not predictable – we are talking about people here) unless they are explicitly told the rules they will not know what things should be done. On occasion drastic measures may be necessary to get some people to understand that there are standards and rules that need to be complied with. Alternatively there is language in the LAB Profile to assist you here.
4. People can’t (lack of resources)
This is a definite management problem. Is it right to expect people to perform tasks if they don’t have the proper equipment or enough time? The time problem is an interesting issue because this is about managing priorities, delegation skills, efficiency and effectiveness. Without providing resources or appropriate training this can become a recurring reason.
5. “My way”
This is fortunately not very common because it’s a tricky one to work with. Up to 40% of the population have a strong ‘Internal’ sense about what is the right thing to do in a given situation and usually this is combined with a realistic level of compliance. When you have taken steps to ensure that you have addressed all six points above, it is important to identify what is most important for the individual in the context of the task. Your key skill lies in being able to link what you want them to do, with them having more of things or thing that is important to them.
People who show this ‘Internal’ mindset resist being told what to do, so you need to offer suggestions for them to consider. They will then need to think about the consequences of not complying and make up their own mind about whether this is the right approach to be taking. If they decide to continue being insubordinate without good reason you will need to invoke your disciplinary procedures.
6. Too painful (or uncomfortable)
Remember the things that you hated doing at school or maybe there are still at some you hate doing at home? These are the things that you then avoid and only doe when you really have to, There are a number of tasks that people find psychologically painful such as reprimanding a member of staff, cold calling or credit control. Again, without proper equipment or training the job just won’t get done to the required standard.
7. No consequences
This is a surprisingly common issue. Many managers ‘don’t want to be negative’ they avoid discussing what will happen if something is not achieved or completed on time. Bailey’s research shows that without negative consequences up to 60% of the working population is not very motivated to complete the task or job. There need to be specific problems that must be avoided for up to 40% or they will be distracted by other issues. These people also need assistance with clarifying priorities because they are focused on what they don’t want rather than what they want.
The language and questions for the LAB profile can be learned with us in a 3 day certificated workshop – for more details for your area click here.
Hackers . . . plateau out at basic skill levels
Compulsives . . . push harder to get to higher plateaus and then burn out
However, masters (and mistresses) continue to practice and refine fundamental skills at every opportunity
He’s talking about people on courses or (for me) where our locus of focus is.
Dabblers are seeking something, they’re never quite happy, they’re looking for something, they never quite finish and they blame other people, other things, they are prevented from doing things by things which (they believe) are outwith their control.
Hackers want to, but they can’t, they believe they are controlled by higher forces, limitations, they want someone to fix them. What I have to change? I have to put some effort into this?
Compulsives push, push the trainer, push the others, push themselves and find it rally hard to listen to others, to watch and observe, to learn from their mistakes and those of others. They are often good are giving advice to others ‘If that were me I would learn from (in NLP terms model) what so and so is doing’ – but they don’t apply advice to self. After all they can do it better.
Masters (and mistresses) continue to practise [and yes in UK English the verb is with an ‘s’] and refine fundamental skills at every opportunity. After all “Practice doesn’t make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect” Vince Lombardi.
After all in the words of the song ‘Pick Yourself up, dust yourself down, and start all over again’ click here
What (I find) also interesting, is that for Dabblers, Hackers, and Compulsives, there are LAB (Language and Behaviour) Profile Patterns, they are also ones for Masters and Mistresses, the first 3 will have a great deal in common with another and the people will have common patterns, the latter two will be different. After all it’s the difference that makes the difference. Like to know more? Contact us at http://www.developingworks.com http://www.rosieohara.com
Phone 01224 900748, 01309 676004, 07796 134081
Emails are missing out emphasis, irony, humour, anything that is included in telephone and face to face conversations, they are also often written in abbreviated form and can be sent off in the heat of the moment and even worse……….. they are tantamount to worldwide publishing within seconds, one click of the mouse and your comments can be sent worldwide and if you continuously forward previous emails on, someone, somewhere might read something you didn’t want them to read.
And text messages well can u txt? And cn u read txts? And I don’t even know if I’ve missed out the right bits.
With texts and emails it’s also possible to send them to the wrong person, by clicking the wrong button!!!!! And think about what happens if you always leave the previous message in there, I once became privy to some information that was classified and I only knew because I printed the email out.
Some NLP thoughts on emails – emails can work really well for someone who is visual – in NLP terms that means someone who has a Visual Preference, they say things like “I see what you mean”, “show me …..”, I need to clarify my ideas”, “send me the document” or “please write it down and give it to me”. Emails can also be a killer for them, because suddenly something jumps up on the screen and there it is in front of them in black and white, or colour and they can see it! What you say to them will not always hit home.
Now if someone has an Auditory Preference – so they like to talk, like to chat on the phone, ask you “to talk them through it”, say something ”rings a bell”, think you are or are not “singing from the same hymn sheet”, then an email will possibly have little or no effect on them.
People with a Kinesthetic Preference like to do or touch, so they would possibly rather have a letter they can touch on nice paper, or even like to go for walk with you and if they like taste and smell would rather chat over a coffee or breakfast. Mmm emails not much good for them.
Other things to take into account, you have absolutely no idea what frame of mind your recipient is in when they receive the email or where they are (I recently sat next to a guy at a business dinner who was reading his emails during the after dinner speaker’s speech [a serious speech about transport]). If your recipient is the wrong frame of mind for receiving your email then you have a problem.
My tip if you want to say something important, earth shattering, vital – send a short email and ask can I ring you, can we meet and do that and then give them something in writing. Bad news by email is bad, very bad, unless you really want to annoy someone, or they generally ignore you anyway.
So think about what you write and how you phrase what you write. Are you really clear about what you write?
This week I had an email about someone who wrote “I am busy delivering” and someone who has a “condition”. So I took a deep breath and wrote – “Now I guess you are “delivering” training (unless you have become a midwife or a milkman?) and I’m sorry I have no idea what this “condition” is” – upshot we had a 45 minute telephone call in which all was explained to me and I mean all. I had a better understanding of why something had not happened and the other person remembered you can tell me all kinds of things and I will understand and I got some really useful business tips from the person with the vague and hastily written email.
NLP talks about how we shape our world, (you know we don’t live in reality? That we form our own idea of reality?). In doing this we delete, distort and generalise, more on that later (Words and Wheelbarrows!)