This is a transcript of a technique that I wrote in 2010 and meant to include in my second
book ‘No More Bingo Dresses’ and for some reason didn’t.
This technique is based on modelling work carried out by Richard Royce in 1995; he modelled 3 individuals of whom I was one. I recently (2010) realised I had used and put into practice this technique far faster than ever before in my life (and now unconsciously), partly due to my knowledge and skills and experience in NLP and also partly due to the realisation I needed a faster reaction than I might have had in the past given such a “crisis” and the need for me to “move towards” to a good and useful result in life, to be “proactive”, and take control over my life.
This exercise is useful to learn in case of crisis times which may occur and also to work with individuals who are in a crisis state and can’t yet find the way out.
What follows is the practice exercise to use in a group to develop an understanding. When working with an individual, presuppose they already have the physiology to avoid too deep an association.
Sit or stand in a position where you are on your own (isolation), look down (avoidance), feel tension in your stomach and your back. There is an overwhelming blackness descending on you and everything is becoming hopeless. (Only allow this to happen for a short period of time).
Whilst still accessing this hopeless state, start to look up to the left and right, whilst doing this breathe into the blackness in the stomach, move both hands “weighing up possibilities”, slowly move the shoulders back, breathing, breathing all the time, noticing relief, noticing how everything is becoming easier, there is a way forwards, there is a way out of this. Notice how the feeling in your stomach lifts up and moves away.
Ask yourself what possibilities are there? What opportunities do I have? What happens when I make my own decisions? What will make me feel good? (Advanced NLPers will know to ask themselves “how can I make myself feel good?”).
Tell yourself – I am capable, I can be in control, I am in control.
Step outside yourself and look at the new you, you are becoming, strong and dependable, in control. Do you need to add anything to this?
Take this new you and move forwards, starting to plan, create a series of visual images of places to go, things to do. Where do I go to ask? What will I see in the future, what will that future look like, sound like and feel like? What resources do I need, which of those can I create myself?
Anchor this new you in appropriate way. If necessary go back and practise, tweak, add and change whatever is necessary.
Contact me via http://www.developingworks.com or +44 (0) 7796134081
Do you like to be told what to?
Most of us don’t usually. We want to decide for themselves.
Depending on how we say and do something (or don’t say and do it), our ideas will be considered or immediately dismissed by the other person/other people. When people are processing life, the world and the universe in this way, they are have an Internal Motivation Pattern.
When people are in Internal Mode, they like to gather information and evaluate it for themselves and hate having someone decide for them. In fact, they love to make their own decisions, based on what is important to them.
So here are the Top Ten Things to Avoid Saying to an Internal (or someone who feels that way)
Words That Close Minds
1. You should …… (almost guarantees they won’t)
2. I need to talk to you. (especially unhelpful to say to your partner in life)
3. I have the solution to your problem.
4. I know what you did wrong.
5. I know why that won’t work.
6. I told you so.
7. I have a better idea.
8. You should have an open mind about this.
9. Here’s what everyone thinks about what you did/do/will do.
10. No one is doing that any more.
Top Ten Suggested Things to Say to an Internal
Words That Open Minds
1. I have an idea that I’d like to run by you to find out what you think.
2. May I make a suggestion?
3. What would you think if we ……?
4. When you are deciding about X, what are the most important things?
5. I have an idea that may not be completely useless.
6. Here’s what I think….. what is your opinion?
7. You said that X, Y, and Z were important, so that’s why I’d like to suggest ….
8. Here is something that you may wish to consider.
9. Here is something that you may wish to avoid.
10. You be the judge.
It’s interesting to note the differences between the two approaches. The first list is mainly about you deciding for the other person, while the second encourages the other person judge for his/herself.
Which list ‘makes you feel better’? Which list do you think would get you better results?
With thanks to Shelle Rose Charvet
For more info on Words that Change Minds please click here
The easiest way to spot limiting beliefs is to listen to your ‘self-talk’ when things go badly. Typical examples of limiting ‘self-talk’ are ‘I’m no good at …’, or ‘I can’t …’. Each time you talk or think in this way, the belief becomes more entrenched.
The good news is that this limiting way of thinking can be changed to ways of thinking that are truly empowering. The following process is a good way to do this:
1. Write down your limiting belief and ask yourself – ‘what will I get from changing this way I think about things?’
2. Ask yourself ‘Am I ready to change this way of thinking that’s holding me back?’ Check that the ‘yes’ is a true yes and feasible. If not, what is getting your way? Do you need to do some work on that?
3. Ask yourself ‘What would be a more useful way of thinking, instead?’ Write down that answer.
4. Turn your answer into a linguistic process, one that has progression in it – here’s an example – find something you can ‘do’ to make the statement more believable. Use words such as begin; start; prepare; establish; grasp; learn; master; realise; understand.
Such as ‘I can be good at networking/meeting people/asking for my needs to be met.’
5. Make it enjoyable. Find words that would make the more useful way of thinking motivating, such as comfortable; easy; effective; effortless; elegant; enjoyable; fantastic; magical; magnificent; successful; thrilling. For example ‘I can enjoy being good at networking/meeting people/asking for my needs to be met.’ ‘It’s effortless being good at networking/meeting people/asking for my needs to be met.’ ‘It’s easy being good at networking/meeting people/asking for my needs to be met.’
6. Write down the final version of the new more useful way of thinking and notice any objections that come up for you, any little voices in your head. Symbolically let them go by writing them down, or saying them out loud, until no more objections are left. They are no longer unconscious objections now, no longer getting your way.
7. Now take a minute to imagine living with this new belief for a whole day. Would it cause any problems? If so, fine-tune the new belief until it causes no problems. Do a final check: ‘If I could think in this more useful way would I take it on board?’ Check you get an answer from yourself that you are truly happy with, and that this new way of thinking is truly motivating. What evidence will let you know it is coming true for you? Practise acting ‘as if’ the new way of thinking is yours on a daily basis until it becomes so.
8. Finally ask yourself ‘What will be the first evidence (what will you see, what will you hear and what will you feel) that this way of thinking is coming true?’
If you’d like to know more contact me Rosie O’Hara the Developing Works website, or via my Coaching Website tel. +44 (0) 7796 134081, +44 (0)1224 900748, +44 (0)1309 676004. And please ask questions or comment here or contact me directly.
A while ago someone asked me how did I remember things, more importantly how did I remember to take things with me after an event, training or meeting or what happened in that meeting. I’d like to share with you.
There’s a technique known as ‘Reframing’ to create a different meaning literally around something, for example to turn a bad experience into a good one, or to notice that there is actually something positive.
Here’s a simple way to do that.
A. Remember an occasion when or where you got angry.
B. Make a picture or image of this or imagine this having happened and see yourself in the picture.
C. Now put a frame around the picture or image.
How does your response to the situation change when you put a wooden frame around it? What about a metal frame? A multi-coloured frame. An oval frame? How about a colourful frame with balloons hanging from it?
And what do we do to remember things when we’ve walked through the door?
We need to make a conscious effort to stop briefly and think about the thing we want to do, or are going to, or are have been doing. And then we need to make a mental image of this thing and place it up to our left. And looking up to our left see this thing, this object, this person, this task, this memory, then imagine seeing it in colour and see it standing still. Making sure it’s still there, move on out of the room and when you’re out of the room and doing the next thing look up to your left and see this item, still standing there. And hey presto, you’ll remember.
If you find this tricky, practice. Only perfect practise makes permanent.
And for some people you might need to place this image up on your right.
Try it out and let me know what happens for you, then walking through the door will be much easier and your memory will improve.
Forgotten to catch up after a meeting or networking?
Well most of us do at times. Some of us believe making notes will help, not so good if you then lave all your info somewhere. I recently realised that I had left all my info from one networking meeting, neatly packaged on one place on the table in the room I had been in. Fortunately the info was still there.
According to an article in Scientific American online, which being scientific has lots and lots of references and could be (for me) a tad exhausting; when we walk through a door we forget. Well actually they were interested in why walking through a door makes us forget.
The article: Gabriel A. Radvansky, Sabine A. Krawietz & Andrea K. Tamplin (2011): Walking through doorways causes forgetting: Further explorations, The Quarterly Journal of Experimental Psychology, 64:8,1632-1645 (click here to read that) states that walking through a doorway causes what they call ‘an event boundary’ and we update our model of events in respect of what happened previously. They maintain that this ‘can reduce the availability of information in our memory for objects associated with the prior event. And then they do some scientific speak about how memory is essential (in my words) dependent on how or what we associate with the previous event. ? What does that mean, you might be asking? Well it means we need to remind ourselves in some way of what happened or was happening before we left the room.
So in my case above remembering to take all my info from the event happened because I generally (I stress the word generally) have a checking thing (or system) before I leave one place to go to another. We don’t always check because often deep in thought we move from one doorway to another and therefore onto something else.
If you would like to know more, please contact me Rosie O’Hara http://www.developingworks.com, http://www.rosieohara.com tel. 07796 134081 (What’sApp as well), 01224 900748, 01309 676004
Or are you just speaking in the best way you know how, because you are an expert on your subject and after all the that’s why they want to use you isn’t it? Well yes they do. Whoever you are contracted to does want to use you and they may well know you have the technical expertise. However they also want and need (more importantly) you to listen in a way that when you answer them they know you have really listened to them.
How might you do that?
Well ask your customer, client (significant other) ‘what’s important to you?’
Then listen, listen to their words (make a mental note, write their words, avoiding your version, write their words down, or ask for permission to record – saying you want to get things right for the client).
Then assuming you have their words, you can simply repeat their words back i.e. ‘having fewer breakdowns’, ‘having less problems’, ‘having uninterrupted work time’ and add on to their words in a ‘pass the salt kind of voice (politely)’ – what’s important to you about that?
Do this three (yes 3) times.
Your client, customer significant other will know, will feel listened to and you could be surprised, as often the first thing we say is not what is really important, the more important thing comes later.
You will have much improved information with which to work and you’ll get it right for the client and be their contractor of choice.
You may also hear about problems, about things they want to avoid. The worst thing to talk about in this case, is what they will gain or achieve, because they want to know how you will help them avoid, steer clear of, not have, get rid of, exclude, move away from these issues.
On the other hand if your client wants to know about what they will gain, will achieve from your services, tell them just that.
Try it out and things might just work better (and by the way the majority of the world of work likes things to improve, be less of a problem, easier, rather than new and different).
If you’d like to know more faster, please take a look at my LInkedIn profile and some of the Slideshare presentations on my Summary there, as well as previous articles on LinkedIn or contact me Rosie O’Hara the Developing Works website, or via my Coaching Website tel. +44 (0) 7796 134081 (What’sApp as well), +44 (0)1224 900748, +44 (0)1309 676004. And please comment on this blog too.
Baby Boomers were born between 1946 and 1964 and form a larger cohort than the others I’ve previously written about. (Sometimes they are referred to Baby Boomers I and Baby Boomers II with the cut off year between being 1959.)
Certainly those born before 1959 can remember Martin Luther King and John F Kennedy, the Beatles and Elvis and other massive changes to the world of politics and the music industry.
Don’t underestimate the Baby Boomers, amongst Baby Boomers there are some powerful people in the world today who have made a lasting impact. This cohort includes such people as Bill Gates, Steven Spielberg, Madonna, Barack Obama, the Price of Wales, Vladimir Putin, Tony Blair, Benazir Bhutto, Angela Merkel, Ellen DeGeneres and many, many more.
The name was given to this cohort, no one knows by whom or when to describe the generations born after the Second World War, when populations worldwide experienced a boom in births. This boom due on the one hand to partners returning home and on the other hand to the start of movement of families, particularly in Europe to countries where they were either displaced as a result of war or to which they had moved as a result of labour shortages due to war. It was now safe to have children in so many ways. It is also important to understand however the British Baby Boom was not as vast (25%) compared to the US (40%) Baby Boom and circumstances in which the early cohorts in both parts of the world grew up were very different up until 1959 (in the UK there was still rationing to a great extent). Similar applies to continental Europe as well; the world was a more austere place.
The focus here is on communication. Baby Boomers value knowledge. They grew up with encyclopaedias. If you were very lucky and your parents could afford it (or a man came round and collected weekly payments) you had the whole 15 volumes of the Encyclopaedia Britannica in the UK or its equivalent elsewhere.
Baby Boomers value face to face communication and discussing knowledge or information with other people. For them face to face communication means in person, particularly when they want to do business. They may well be as good as younger people at using LinkedIn, Twitter, video communication etc., but for many other things they like to meet you in person.
People of this cohort are rational. In their eyes there has to be a reason for something having happened. They believe in ‘commonsense’. However what is commonness to me may not be commonsense to you. These traits are not always useful as we need Emotional Intelligence or soft skills to understand others better. See this link here for some potentially useful frames for everyday life and to understand ‘commonsense better.Baby Boomers like to negotiate, not just in business, but also in life, using rational thinking this may take longer.
Baby Boomers are prone to working long hours, you work until the job is done. Even though in the UK for Baby Boomers university education was free a far lower proportion of over 50s actually has a university degree and would therefore have been paid less for longer hours. They have also either not accrued a pension pot or one that is not generous, due to belief that the state would provide after all their years of hard work.
They are however more loyal to a company or organisation it can take a lot for some of them to change their loyalties. Loyalty is everything and money will motivate them to stay as opposed to younger generations who will move for more money and are not as loyal to a company or brand (there will always be exceptions). Baby Boomers are driven by the fact that their parents probably had little money and struggled to provide them with the material things they needed in a changing world. The change for them was just as monumental in their growing years as for other generations, but slower than in the current day and age. It has in some circumstances led to some Baby Boomers wanting and having everything material, facts that can lead to some bad press for Baby Boomers – in the words of Mike and the Mechanics in the song the Living Years ‘Every Generation Blames the One Before.’
So how would Baby Boomers like to be communicated with? You will find some who do not like change, some who may refuse to adapt. A major change once every ten years might work for them but they are happier when they take charge of the change themselves once every fifteen to twenty-five years. They like to hear what things have in common, what has not changed as well as how things are the same. Others will accept change once a year if the change is not drastic. They need change once every five to seven years. They like to hear that things are the same except more … less …better. They tend to resist major changes except when they are perceived to be gradual. Upgrades are okay because they are about an improvement new and different is not (think of those people you know who still have a mobile phone that’s like a brick and who has a smarter smartphone).
They like to talk about people and name them and meet with you regularly. They like to be given praise and told how valuable what they did or said was. They follow procedures and processes well. They value their own territory of responsibility and when needed will work together with others. They appreciate an understanding of others and how they are thinking and feeling (they don’t always get that right, because unless they have truly learned to understand others from the other person’s point of view, they only understand how they themselves would feel).
If you’d like to know more contact me Rosie O’Hara the Developing Works website, or via my Coaching Website tel. +44 (0) 7796 134081 (What’sApp as well), +44 (0)1224 900748, +44 (0)1309 676004. And please comment on this blog too.
It’s all very well talking about Managing your Millennials, is it not also appropriate that Millennials (those born between 1980/82 and 1995 or thereabouts) learn how to work with Gen X?
Life and work is a two way process, it’s not just about what each individual thinks they are entitled to. It’s a pretty good idea to get on with people and make some effort to understand and communicated better, or what do you think?
Gen X classifies those of us born approximately between 1965 and 1984. X denotes the unknown generation. Taken from Deverson and Hamblett’s 1965 sociology book on British youth, Generation X. The Gen X philosophy is about leading people which means taking people with you. Following is a voluntary activity, you follow something or someone because there is something in it for you.
John C Maxwell in the 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership sums leadership up as being ‘influence – nothing more, nothing less’.
Warren Bennis defines leadership as ‘a function of knowing yourself, having a vision that is well communicated, building trust among colleagues and taking effective action to realize your own leadership potential.’
Gen X has a set of values, the most important of which is Emotional Intelligence. Many of this generation grew up in a time when their mothers were going out to work and working long hours (the film ‘Made in Dagenham’ typifies the experience these mothers and families had). This generation was introduced to the home computer (Commodore 64 or the Sinclair ZX 80 being prime examples), as well music videos and the in the UK the general downturn in manufacturing and the shift to service industries.
Gen X learned to be more self-sufficient because Mum was not always at home when they finished school. The first generation of so-called latch-key kids. This leads them to like others to go and think about how to do something, then to get it done. Even if the others get things wrong the majority of Gen X will be pleased that you have tried (there are always exceptions). Gen X may come across as sceptical at times.
This generation was brought up to question, brought up with more readily available resources than their parents ever had. The change in their lives was proportionately as monumental at the time as it is now for millennials.
Gen X is a more sceptical generation, which does not mean that they don’t accept change so easily, it does mean they question more; they give the benefit of the doubt. All the above means they value trust and may take more time to trust others. They also value long working hours because they experienced their parents working long hours and they are programmed to believe this is the ‘right way’ to do things.
People of this generation like to understand, they will question and will seek to understand. Trust works both ways. Gen X will trust you, if you trust them.
Gen X is results driven, but not overly competitive and not loyal to any particular company, be that in respect of brands, in purchasing or employment. They will however not change job as often as millennials, but more frequently than previous generations (there will always be exceptions).
Due to the fact that this generation probably experienced both parents working long hours (or one being absent) a good work/life balance is important to them. They like to work hard and play well, but they believe that play comes as a result of hard work and not that work is there merely to facilitate play. At work Gen X will appreciate enthusiasm, willingness to try things out and to discuss.
In brief Gen X likes equally to get on with things as well as to consider and analyse. They are goal oriented and focussed on achievements. They are good at relating to others, at ‘standing in others’ shoes’ (mostly). They value their own territory of responsibility and when needed will work together with others. They appreciate an understanding of others and how they are thinking and feeling (they don’t always get that right, because unless they have truly learned to understand others from the other person’s point of view, they only understand how they themselves would feel).
As a manager or leader they find it easy to create a vision, they may benefit from skills for getting others such as millennials or those Baby Boomers to follow Gen X. They are interested in other people and will name them by name, unless their environment forces them to look on staff as a cost allocation. They like their own territory of responsibility and work well together with others for short periods of time. They can both act and consider.
So how would Gen X like to be communicated with? They are happy with evolution and revolution. They like to hear that things are more, better, less, same except, evolving, with a smattering of new, totally different, completely changed, switch. Although some of that will depend on the working environment and local, and regional and country culture. They will change jobs or responsibilities or departments sometimes very three years, more often every five to seven years.
More next time on Baby Boomers and some ideas of how you can improve things at work. Or if you’d like to know more faster, please take a look at my LinkedIn profile and some of the Slideshare presentations on my Summary there, as well as previous articles or contact me Rosie O’Hara via the Developing Works website, or via my Coaching Website tel. +44 (0) 7796 134081 (What’sApp as well), +44 (0)1224 900748, +44 (0)1309 676004. And please comment on this blog too.
My youngest grandson was playing next to the slide, being the dare devil (polarity responder) he is, he decided it would be more fun to climb up the slide rather than slide down it. He started up it. No sooner was he on his way, a boy about his age came running over to him and started to put him to rights, ‘you can’t do that. You’re not allowed, stop it now or I’m going to go tell my Mum.’ My grandson jumped down from the slide and thought about what he was going to do next. Interesting thing was that the telltale began to follow him. Whatever my grandson did, there he was with a new threat to get his mum if my grandson didn’t do exactly what he said. The telltale was going to make sure others followed the rules even though he had no direct authority. And if he could out them for not following the rules, he might just turn out to be the ‘good’ one in the eyes of the ‘boss.’
When it comes to your working life, you need to be emotionally mature and able to act professionally in every situation so that you can be viewed as mature or professional by your managers and bosses. If you act like an immature child, it’s likely that management will see you as immature, and treat you accordingly. I’ve noticed curiously that in organisations where the words professional or professionalism are bandied about that’s where the concepts of professional or professionalism are applied least. (And the words are also used to blame others for people’s own shortcomings).
What does this mean at work (or life in general)? In both of these cases, the behaviour got the person something (the swing to themselves, the power to influence the boss). The problem is that in the end these children had no one to play with. Well no one who is into healthy relationships.
NLP uses something called the Satir Categories based on the work of Virginia Satir, one of the categories (more about these next time) is called –
Blamers find fault – never accepting responsibility themselves, always blaming someone or something else. They feel unsuccessful and lonely. They will sometimes have high blood pressure, (or other disorders and/or feelings of inadequacy) and come across at times as aggressive or tyrannical. They will tell you what is wrong with things and whose fault it is, and in doing so become powerless to do anything about it. By blaming external factors they have absolved themselves of responsibility. (Over time this becomes a pattern and they are not consciously aware of what they are doing)
In respect of work (or life in general) ask yourself
• Are you doing things that may be costing you ‘friends’ or just people to get on with (who are mature and responsible)? If so, what could you be doing differently to ‘play nice’ with those around you?
• If you come across one of these patterns in your playground (at work), what do you do?
Say ‘No.’ They probably won’t like it, but they’ve got to learn eventually that real adults ‘share their toys’ and play nice with others around them.
Unless you want to do the same job for the rest of your life, get the same results as you always have done (which blamers inevitably do) no chance of promotion, then it’s a good idea to pull your socks up, grow up, and prove that you are emotionally mature enough to handle moving up in the company to a better position.
Some of you may know the Paul Simon song from 1970 (okay so I’m older) from the album Bridge Over Trouble Water. Over the last few weeks keeping the customer satisfied has been the focus of several client conversations and the presentation I delivered recently ‘Pitch Perfect, Perfect Pitch. Most people it seems appear to believe understanding the customer and exactly how customers are motivated is important for good customer relationships.
Then this last week I’ve had three examples of really poor customer service (and I’ve checked with others each time to find out what they think, just in case). One example was over my phone number at the opticians, ‘This is my husband’s number’ – ‘But you gave it to us,’ ‘No I didn’t you give you this number. I gave you my work number.’ ‘We don’t phone work numbers. and You didn’t tell us you’ve moved.’ I haven’t moved’ ‘Well we took this number from your husband’s file’ After a long conversation I said ‘other opticians are also available’.
Another customer service issue is ongoing with a membership organisation, when I made a comment that was taken as a criticism, has yet to be resolved. This is the second time I’ve had this reaction from them. is this a pattern?
They are currently busy with something else. They will contact me next week, when I’m away every day hmm.
A note on comments on feedback –
Feedback is about raising awareness. It is about the impact of a behaviour, that may or may not be your behaviour not about you personally.
A third interesting encounter was when I put my shopping in the wrong place at one of those detestable (for me) self service checkouts and it was snatched from me, as well as the things I had in my hands. The woman in the train station newsagents then raised her voice at me because I must have looked at her incredulously. I resisted the urge to say anything. But resolved to really not go in there again.
Here’s a slide from an upcoming SlideShare upload from me on how we deal with customer/client/patient/member problems.
Contact details are http://www.developing works.com by phone 01309 676004, 01224 900748, 07796134081 (text or phone)
Ever stopped and thought about the things you say to yourself either every day or on a frequent basis?
Phrases such as –
He’s a pain in the neck
I must have a hole in my head
I keep getting it in the neck.
They’re stabbing me in the back
I need a break
And have you noticed how sometimes these things manifest themselves in reality
How you have a sore neck, sore shoulders, a headache, back ache and you do get a break, but not the kind you were thinking of getting?
One of the NLP Operating Beliefs is –
The mind and body are one system
Mind and body interact and influence one another. It is not possible to make a change in one without the other being affected.
Therefore if we consistently talk about a problem, even if we say we don’t believe it’s a real problem, over time it will manifest itself as a problem in our bodies. And the reverse is true, sometimes the physical pain is our body telling us, ‘hello, you have a problem, listen to me your body, pay attention and do something about it.
The busy person who falls badly for example because they were rushing around doing too much and ‘bang’ they have an accident. The body’s way of saying ‘pay attention, give me some time.’
I once worked with a client who came to me about controlling his anger. His language was full of phrases such as ‘I see red all the time,’ ‘I get hot under the collar,’ ‘my blood boils,’ ‘my boss gives me smouldering looks.’ I suggested for his next session he write down all the phrases he used or thought about in respect of anger and come back with a list of the phrases. He phoned me and said there far too many and he just got even angrier and very hot thinking about them.
We did eventually work together on changing how he thought and what he said.