“If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you
If you trust yourself when all men doubt you
If you can dream – and not make dreams your master
If you can think and make thoughts your aim
If you meet with Triumph and Disaster”
Rudyard Kipling wrote these words in 1895 to his son John in a form as if it was fatherly advice, but they were written in tribute to Leander Starr Johnson, originally from Edinburgh (more about him click here).
Kipling’s words work equally well today, when there are downturns in markets and people lose their jobs we tend to panic and at times wonder if there’s a better option out there. Whether we allow ourselves to be influenced by other people and what they believe and tell us or whether we decide for ourselves based on what we know and believe to be true.
What’s missing at times is a prepared objective and for a short period of time sitting back, thinking about how we can avoid problems and then with our objective in mind setting up a plan that we then put into action.
Sitting back and asking ourselves what we really want is not a complete waste of time. It helps us to focus and think so that we don’t end up in a job that is potentially flattering but then becomes a waste of time, in that we become frustrated.
When we are clear about what we want we notice that other people appreciate us more. We get recognition for asking for our needs to be met.
We can first look at the choices available to us and then choose a couple of options to work with. (Knowing that could go back to the other options, but as a start it’s good to be clear about just one or two options at the most.
After all when we are good at what we do, letting others know clearly will enable us to do what Kipling said over one hundred years ago that still holds true:
‘If you can keep your head’ – stay calm,
‘… trust yourself’ – in spite of what others say that might make you waiver,
‘… dream and not make dreams your master’ – not let endless options and possibilities, the ‘ifs’, the ”buts’ stop you from acting.
When we do all of those (with a little help if necessary) then we will get through trying times and carve out a new career or a new business or simply stay afloat and happy in trying times.
If you’d like to know more about career management coaching and how the LAB Profile® might help you in your choices ,contact me Rosie O’Hara the Developing Works website, or telephone +44 (0) 7796 134081, +44 (0)1224 900748, +44 (0)1309 676004.
Anyone reading this will recognise themselves in either having been on the receiving end of this, or having had customers, clients, clients, delegates complain about this (in this case you might perceive the other person to be wrong).
This is not based on one particular case; rather it’s a summary of many different experiences, many of us will have had. Ever been somewhere where your needs are largely ignored because staff is getting things done’? Clearing tables, looking busy behind a desk or counters etc? The person you would like to help you or take you seriously is too busy focussing on the task rather than the person?
When as a customer you are unhappy, no one takes the initiative to put things right. It’s more the case that it seems too much trouble, or our procedures won’t allow that (airlines are good at this).
The member of staff of whom you expect help behaves as if you are just a downright nuisance. Sometimes they make the ‘right noises’ but then later you discover they did nothing? They say they’ll ‘pass the message’ but they don’t.
They repeatedly tell you what they can’t do, without offering any alternatives? An example of this and the previous question. We had a training room booked for 7 people on arrival there were twenty seven chairs in said room and two large tables (no tables required). We asked for the tables and twenty chairs to be removed. We were told ‘we have nowhere to put them,’ and asked ’are they really in your way?’and then ‘it makes it easier for us for later.’ I was told I was being unreasonable in my requests.
The staff whoever they are follows a set procedure, ‘read our customer policy’, ‘complain to our head office’, ‘I can’t do that for you’.
In terms of the Language and Behaviour Profile this translates as – Things, tasks, objects are more important than People – who pays the wages, affects your bottom line?
Staff are reacting – they will respond, so they don’t totally ignore you, but they are unwilling to take an initiative.
The staff and often company behaviour is that they believe that anyone who does not fit their expectations is completely out of line and odd.
These are people who would rather work alone, a common hiring error – companies ask for and hire people who can work ‘independently, at their own initiative’ – this leads to people whose preference is to work completely alone, i.e. in a darkened room with absolutely no customers around to bother them. Customers disturb them, get in the way of the things they have to do, keeping the place tidy, neat, looking good, and making life easy.
Staff only notice what is wrong or can’t be done in respect of the customer or client,
The staff are focussing on a process, rather than a service. On a linear progression that has no time, room or facility for dealing with complaints. The problem with this process is these people who have been hired to follow this process are people who once they have started, they cannot stop. Hell mend you if you interrupt them. They must get to the end of the process this is how they are made.
Recognise some of this in customer service you have received, or customer complaints you have had?
Next time ways to deal with this – from both angles
Rosie O’Hara is one of the UK’s foremost Trainers and Consultants of the Language and Behaviour (LAB) Profile®, Words that Change Minds. Her background is in mechanical engineering and the German language – more information on uses of the LAB Profile® for Team Building, HSE, Management, Negotiation, Market Research, Recruitment and in Executive Coaching and more contact Rosie on 07796 134081, 01224 900748, or 01309 676004 or consider the information on this website here
The easiest way to spot limiting beliefs is to listen to your ‘self-talk’ when things go badly. Typical examples of limiting ‘self-talk’ are ‘I’m no good at …’, or ‘I can’t …’. Each time you talk or think in this way, the belief becomes more entrenched.
The good news is that this limiting way of thinking can be changed to ways of thinking that are truly empowering. The following process is a good way to do this:
1. Write down your limiting belief and ask yourself – ‘what will I get from changing this way I think about things?’
2. Ask yourself ‘Am I ready to change this way of thinking that’s holding me back?’ Check that the ‘yes’ is a true yes and feasible. If not, what is getting your way? Do you need to do some work on that?
3. Ask yourself ‘What would be a more useful way of thinking, instead?’ Write down that answer.
4. Turn your answer into a linguistic process, one that has progression in it – here’s an example – find something you can ‘do’ to make the statement more believable. Use words such as begin; start; prepare; establish; grasp; learn; master; realise; understand.
Such as ‘I can be good at networking/meeting people/asking for my needs to be met.’
5. Make it enjoyable. Find words that would make the more useful way of thinking motivating, such as comfortable; easy; effective; effortless; elegant; enjoyable; fantastic; magical; magnificent; successful; thrilling. For example ‘I can enjoy being good at networking/meeting people/asking for my needs to be met.’ ‘It’s effortless being good at networking/meeting people/asking for my needs to be met.’ ‘It’s easy being good at networking/meeting people/asking for my needs to be met.’
6. Write down the final version of the new more useful way of thinking and notice any objections that come up for you, any little voices in your head. Symbolically let them go by writing them down, or saying them out loud, until no more objections are left. They are no longer unconscious objections now, no longer getting your way.
7. Now take a minute to imagine living with this new belief for a whole day. Would it cause any problems? If so, fine-tune the new belief until it causes no problems. Do a final check: ‘If I could think in this more useful way would I take it on board?’ Check you get an answer from yourself that you are truly happy with, and that this new way of thinking is truly motivating. What evidence will let you know it is coming true for you? Practise acting ‘as if’ the new way of thinking is yours on a daily basis until it becomes so.
8. Finally ask yourself ‘What will be the first evidence (what will you see, what will you hear and what will you feel) that this way of thinking is coming true?’
If you’d like to know more contact me Rosie O’Hara the Developing Works website, or via my Coaching Website tel. +44 (0) 7796 134081, +44 (0)1224 900748, +44 (0)1309 676004. And please ask questions or comment here or contact me directly.
You know that scenario or that dilemma or that feeling? When you say ‘I want to this but on the other hand,’ and then you dither or put one foot forward and then you take one step back and probably end up doing nothing at all or at least nothing different.
Here’s a way of working with that Will I? Won’t I?.
First a brief explanation, it’s possible that the dilemma you are having is about your values being in conflict. Values are our criteria for what we personally consider to be worthwhile or valuable. Our values are deeply connected to our belief systems. The values embedded in our core beliefs are the key to our actions and to changing those actions. It may be that something you hold dear is not at useful to you.
When you are in a situation where you are saying ‘part of me wants to and on the other hand’ then try this method out.
1. Ask yourself: ‘what are the two parts or values that conflict?’ and give each part a name (anything you like).
2. Then resting one hand on each knee, palm uppermost, imagine one of these parts is each hand.
3. Now looking at one of your hands imagine you can see what this part looks like – is it standing, or siting is a person, what’s it wearing?, is it a thing?, describe it as you imagine it on your palm. When you have described one part fully, repeat the process for the other part imagining it on the other hand and looking at it there.
4. Looking at each part in turn what do you notice about its good qualities; strengths, resources and positive intentions. A positive intention is not its behaviour so for example ‘by not doing this – it will keep me safe from ….’ That’s a positive intention even though at times that might not be what will call positive see No. 5 on this page here.
Ask questions of each part such as:
What does this part do for me?
What is its job in my life?
What are its special qualities?
What is this part good for? What is this part trying to do for me?
How could this part be useful to someone else?
What are the good things I haven’t noticed about this part?
5. When you’re clear about all the positive attributes of one part, repeat the process for the other part. Check if any of the positive attributes need to be transferred (do this in your mind) from one part to the other.
6. Then imagine a third, central image (between the other two wherever seems right for you) incorporating all the best qualities of each part.
7. Bringing your hands up from your knees, bring them together behind this central image and scoop all of the images into yourself. Welcome this new improved image, close your eyes, breathe, and stay that way whilst your mind accepts this new way of thinking and behaving.
Be gentle with yourself and allow ample quiet time for integrating this process. Allow yourself to experience fully whatever body sensations, emotions, feelings or images come to you. This can be a powerful emotional experience, or deceptively unremarkable.
It can be you have clear insights during the process. It can be that it happens later.
This method also known as Visual Squash or Parts Integration in NLP operates simultaneously on so many levels that it subtly transforms our experience and expands our range of reactions with no further effort.
If you’d like to know more contact me Rosie O’Hara the Developing Works website, or via my Coaching Website tel. +44 (0) 7796 134081 (What’sApp as well), +44 (0)1224 900748, +44 (0)1309 676004. And please ask questions or comment here or contact me directly.
Now I’m not writing this about the 14 linguistic distinctions – just about one of the Deletions which are known in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) as nominalisations – that means it’s a process word (a verb or a doing word) that’s been frozen in time and made into a noun (that’s a naming word).
Some examples – a word like ‘Relationship’
First it can have so many meanings – it can be a relationship with a significant other, with a friend, with a child, with a customer, with a client, with a work colleague, with a boss etc. And whatever of those it is, it can have completely different meanings to those people involved in the relationship (or not).
So when someone says ‘my relationship is not right’ – we really need to start asking that person questions, not assuming we know what they are talking about. After all we only know about the kind of relationships we are in, or the ones we have known, or seen from our perspective. If we assume and give our advice, the worst case scenario is that we can lose a friend or be blamed for giving advice that was well meaning, but they may not want that advice.
To find out more about what that word means for the other person, we need to turn that nominalisation into a process and find out what’s not right for the person who made the statement ‘my relationship is not right’. So we ask (carefully, with great respect and sincerity and in a kind of the ‘pass the salt’ tone) something like ‘how would you like to be related to?’ It might seem weird, but this will give you more to work with. It might bring up another nominalisation or other deletions, distortions and generalisations, but I only wanted to give you this as a taster. You will then find you have more idea of what the person means (and you could have been barking up the wrong tree) and their relationship and what also eventually happens is that the person who was having the problem has more idea of what it is they want in life.
However some clues to which words are nominalisations – firstly there’s the wheelbarrow mentioned in the title. There’s a kind of rule of thumb that anything you couldn’t put in a wheelbarrow (and sometimes it will be a very large wheelbarrow, so for example for a ‘crowd’, a ‘building’ etc.) is a nominalisation, so things like ‘fear’, ‘love’, ‘hate’ etc. and also words ending in the following –
-ance (compliance) -ness (happiness)
-iency (efficiency) -itude (gratitude)
-ful (painful) -ment (fulfilment)
-ship (friendship) -ence (difference)
-able (reliable) -ion (depression)
You can apply the kind of questioning I mentioned earlier; sometimes it’s not so obvious what the process word/doing word/verb is, sometimes we just need to think a little about how we will ask a question to get to the root or heart of the matter, so that we understand more about what the other person is annoyed or upset or aggrieved about.
So (the following are all examples you could use, there will be others) –
Compliance – How’s that not complied with?
or How would you like that to be complied with?
Happiness – How would you like to be happy?
Efficiency – How do we need to be more efficient?
Gratitude – How would like them to be grateful?
Painful – Tell me more about the pain?
Fulfilment – How would you like them to be fulfilled?
Friendship – How would expect a friend to be?
or Tell me more about being friends.
Difference – How do they differ?
Reliable – What is someone like you can rely on?
Depression – How does that depress you?
This kind of thing is really useful, what is also useful and helps you avoid the pain of misunderstanding and misinterpreting and losing friendships, preventing the onset of World War III at home, getting to the core of a problem at work is thinking in this way:
Notice how you form your own reality, pay attention to what you are saying to yourself – this will make you more effective and successful. Also think about what you say to others, if you are not clear, if you use lots of nominalisations (and some cultures and organisation do, all the time) how will others understand you?
Always be in rapport (so point your body towards the person, match or mirror their posture, use their words), soften your voice, softer tones and phrase questions in a more acceptable way.
“I wonder exactly what you mean by that…”
“That’s interesting, can I ask you ……”
Think carefully about what you say and listen carefully to what others say and train your intuition to recognise patterns, know when there is information missing, when it’s useful to clarify meaning or open choices. Where the conversation is based on a relationship (of whatever kind) – be careful, very, very careful with the Meta Model – if not used with care it becomes a task-based process. For example if someone says “I liked that” asking “How specifically did you like it and what exactly did you like?” may not be appropriate in certain circumstances and I can think of a few!
Taken from ‘No More Bingo Dresses’ published MX Publishing 2010 more details please click here.
If you’d like to know more faster, please contact me Rosie O’Hara the Developing Works website, or via my Coaching Website tel. +44 (0) 7796 134081 (What’sApp as well), +44 (0)1224 900748, +44 (0)1309 676004. And please comment on this blog too.
Or are you just speaking in the best way you know how, because you are an expert on your subject and after all the that’s why they want to use you isn’t it? Well yes they do. Whoever you are contracted to does want to use you and they may well know you have the technical expertise. However they also want and need (more importantly) you to listen in a way that when you answer them they know you have really listened to them.
How might you do that?
Well ask your customer, client (significant other) ‘what’s important to you?’
Then listen, listen to their words (make a mental note, write their words, avoiding your version, write their words down, or ask for permission to record – saying you want to get things right for the client).
Then assuming you have their words, you can simply repeat their words back i.e. ‘having fewer breakdowns’, ‘having less problems’, ‘having uninterrupted work time’ and add on to their words in a ‘pass the salt kind of voice (politely)’ – what’s important to you about that?
Do this three (yes 3) times.
Your client, customer significant other will know, will feel listened to and you could be surprised, as often the first thing we say is not what is really important, the more important thing comes later.
You will have much improved information with which to work and you’ll get it right for the client and be their contractor of choice.
You may also hear about problems, about things they want to avoid. The worst thing to talk about in this case, is what they will gain or achieve, because they want to know how you will help them avoid, steer clear of, not have, get rid of, exclude, move away from these issues.
On the other hand if your client wants to know about what they will gain, will achieve from your services, tell them just that.
Try it out and things might just work better (and by the way the majority of the world of work likes things to improve, be less of a problem, easier, rather than new and different).
If you’d like to know more faster, please take a look at my LInkedIn profile and some of the Slideshare presentations on my Summary there, as well as previous articles on LinkedIn or contact me Rosie O’Hara the Developing Works website, or via my Coaching Website tel. +44 (0) 7796 134081 (What’sApp as well), +44 (0)1224 900748, +44 (0)1309 676004. And please comment on this blog too.
Baby Boomers were born between 1946 and 1964 and form a larger cohort than the others I’ve previously written about. (Sometimes they are referred to Baby Boomers I and Baby Boomers II with the cut off year between being 1959.)
Certainly those born before 1959 can remember Martin Luther King and John F Kennedy, the Beatles and Elvis and other massive changes to the world of politics and the music industry.
Don’t underestimate the Baby Boomers, amongst Baby Boomers there are some powerful people in the world today who have made a lasting impact. This cohort includes such people as Bill Gates, Steven Spielberg, Madonna, Barack Obama, the Price of Wales, Vladimir Putin, Tony Blair, Benazir Bhutto, Angela Merkel, Ellen DeGeneres and many, many more.
The name was given to this cohort, no one knows by whom or when to describe the generations born after the Second World War, when populations worldwide experienced a boom in births. This boom due on the one hand to partners returning home and on the other hand to the start of movement of families, particularly in Europe to countries where they were either displaced as a result of war or to which they had moved as a result of labour shortages due to war. It was now safe to have children in so many ways. It is also important to understand however the British Baby Boom was not as vast (25%) compared to the US (40%) Baby Boom and circumstances in which the early cohorts in both parts of the world grew up were very different up until 1959 (in the UK there was still rationing to a great extent). Similar applies to continental Europe as well; the world was a more austere place.
The focus here is on communication. Baby Boomers value knowledge. They grew up with encyclopaedias. If you were very lucky and your parents could afford it (or a man came round and collected weekly payments) you had the whole 15 volumes of the Encyclopaedia Britannica in the UK or its equivalent elsewhere.
Baby Boomers value face to face communication and discussing knowledge or information with other people. For them face to face communication means in person, particularly when they want to do business. They may well be as good as younger people at using LinkedIn, Twitter, video communication etc., but for many other things they like to meet you in person.
People of this cohort are rational. In their eyes there has to be a reason for something having happened. They believe in ‘commonsense’. However what is commonness to me may not be commonsense to you. These traits are not always useful as we need Emotional Intelligence or soft skills to understand others better. See this link here for some potentially useful frames for everyday life and to understand ‘commonsense better.Baby Boomers like to negotiate, not just in business, but also in life, using rational thinking this may take longer.
Baby Boomers are prone to working long hours, you work until the job is done. Even though in the UK for Baby Boomers university education was free a far lower proportion of over 50s actually has a university degree and would therefore have been paid less for longer hours. They have also either not accrued a pension pot or one that is not generous, due to belief that the state would provide after all their years of hard work.
They are however more loyal to a company or organisation it can take a lot for some of them to change their loyalties. Loyalty is everything and money will motivate them to stay as opposed to younger generations who will move for more money and are not as loyal to a company or brand (there will always be exceptions). Baby Boomers are driven by the fact that their parents probably had little money and struggled to provide them with the material things they needed in a changing world. The change for them was just as monumental in their growing years as for other generations, but slower than in the current day and age. It has in some circumstances led to some Baby Boomers wanting and having everything material, facts that can lead to some bad press for Baby Boomers – in the words of Mike and the Mechanics in the song the Living Years ‘Every Generation Blames the One Before.’
So how would Baby Boomers like to be communicated with? You will find some who do not like change, some who may refuse to adapt. A major change once every ten years might work for them but they are happier when they take charge of the change themselves once every fifteen to twenty-five years. They like to hear what things have in common, what has not changed as well as how things are the same. Others will accept change once a year if the change is not drastic. They need change once every five to seven years. They like to hear that things are the same except more … less …better. They tend to resist major changes except when they are perceived to be gradual. Upgrades are okay because they are about an improvement new and different is not (think of those people you know who still have a mobile phone that’s like a brick and who has a smarter smartphone).
They like to talk about people and name them and meet with you regularly. They like to be given praise and told how valuable what they did or said was. They follow procedures and processes well. They value their own territory of responsibility and when needed will work together with others. They appreciate an understanding of others and how they are thinking and feeling (they don’t always get that right, because unless they have truly learned to understand others from the other person’s point of view, they only understand how they themselves would feel).
If you’d like to know more contact me Rosie O’Hara the Developing Works website, or via my Coaching Website tel. +44 (0) 7796 134081 (What’sApp as well), +44 (0)1224 900748, +44 (0)1309 676004. And please comment on this blog too.
It’s all very well talking about Managing your Millennials, is it not also appropriate that Millennials (those born between 1980/82 and 1995 or thereabouts) learn how to work with Gen X?
Life and work is a two way process, it’s not just about what each individual thinks they are entitled to. It’s a pretty good idea to get on with people and make some effort to understand and communicated better, or what do you think?
Gen X classifies those of us born approximately between 1965 and 1984. X denotes the unknown generation. Taken from Deverson and Hamblett’s 1965 sociology book on British youth, Generation X. The Gen X philosophy is about leading people which means taking people with you. Following is a voluntary activity, you follow something or someone because there is something in it for you.
John C Maxwell in the 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership sums leadership up as being ‘influence – nothing more, nothing less’.
Warren Bennis defines leadership as ‘a function of knowing yourself, having a vision that is well communicated, building trust among colleagues and taking effective action to realize your own leadership potential.’
Gen X has a set of values, the most important of which is Emotional Intelligence. Many of this generation grew up in a time when their mothers were going out to work and working long hours (the film ‘Made in Dagenham’ typifies the experience these mothers and families had). This generation was introduced to the home computer (Commodore 64 or the Sinclair ZX 80 being prime examples), as well music videos and the in the UK the general downturn in manufacturing and the shift to service industries.
Gen X learned to be more self-sufficient because Mum was not always at home when they finished school. The first generation of so-called latch-key kids. This leads them to like others to go and think about how to do something, then to get it done. Even if the others get things wrong the majority of Gen X will be pleased that you have tried (there are always exceptions). Gen X may come across as sceptical at times.
This generation was brought up to question, brought up with more readily available resources than their parents ever had. The change in their lives was proportionately as monumental at the time as it is now for millennials.
Gen X is a more sceptical generation, which does not mean that they don’t accept change so easily, it does mean they question more; they give the benefit of the doubt. All the above means they value trust and may take more time to trust others. They also value long working hours because they experienced their parents working long hours and they are programmed to believe this is the ‘right way’ to do things.
People of this generation like to understand, they will question and will seek to understand. Trust works both ways. Gen X will trust you, if you trust them.
Gen X is results driven, but not overly competitive and not loyal to any particular company, be that in respect of brands, in purchasing or employment. They will however not change job as often as millennials, but more frequently than previous generations (there will always be exceptions).
Due to the fact that this generation probably experienced both parents working long hours (or one being absent) a good work/life balance is important to them. They like to work hard and play well, but they believe that play comes as a result of hard work and not that work is there merely to facilitate play. At work Gen X will appreciate enthusiasm, willingness to try things out and to discuss.
In brief Gen X likes equally to get on with things as well as to consider and analyse. They are goal oriented and focussed on achievements. They are good at relating to others, at ‘standing in others’ shoes’ (mostly). They value their own territory of responsibility and when needed will work together with others. They appreciate an understanding of others and how they are thinking and feeling (they don’t always get that right, because unless they have truly learned to understand others from the other person’s point of view, they only understand how they themselves would feel).
As a manager or leader they find it easy to create a vision, they may benefit from skills for getting others such as millennials or those Baby Boomers to follow Gen X. They are interested in other people and will name them by name, unless their environment forces them to look on staff as a cost allocation. They like their own territory of responsibility and work well together with others for short periods of time. They can both act and consider.
So how would Gen X like to be communicated with? They are happy with evolution and revolution. They like to hear that things are more, better, less, same except, evolving, with a smattering of new, totally different, completely changed, switch. Although some of that will depend on the working environment and local, and regional and country culture. They will change jobs or responsibilities or departments sometimes very three years, more often every five to seven years.
More next time on Baby Boomers and some ideas of how you can improve things at work. Or if you’d like to know more faster, please take a look at my LinkedIn profile and some of the Slideshare presentations on my Summary there, as well as previous articles or contact me Rosie O’Hara via the Developing Works website, or via my Coaching Website tel. +44 (0) 7796 134081 (What’sApp as well), +44 (0)1224 900748, +44 (0)1309 676004. And please comment on this blog too.
So last time I mentioned the Satir Categories, well the Blamer. So here a little more on these categories. What I think is interesting about Virginia Satir is that she was a family therapist, so why mention her in the context of work? Well we often spend more time at work than with our families so work becomes our family. Sobering thought.
Virginia Satir was one of the people modelled in the early days of NLP. She was a highly effective family therapist. Virginia identified, in her book People Making, the following behaviours; they are not exclusive to dysfunctional families. We can notice them everywhere.
Virginia had four behaviours that were responsible for many conflicts and one used for resolving conflict and bringing people together.
There is an NLP Presupposition or Operating Belief ‘Mind and body are part of the same system and what effects one affects the other’. For example if you hunch up when sitting at the PC and trying to meet a tight deadline, you will feel stressed and then that stress will manifest itself physically in your shoulders, back, or elsewhere. Our bodies react to whatever changes our minds go through and vice versa.
Your body gives signals to other people and sometimes people will read these signals incorrectly. However when you create a smokescreen and gloss over your problems in your mind, others will intuitively know that something is incongruent and their reaction to us may not be the one we intended, they might ‘write us off’ or they might ‘treat us in a way we didn’t want’.
Distracters seek attention to compensate for their feelings of loneliness or inadequacy. The positive intention (‘all behaviour has a positive intention’ – another operating belief) behind this behaviour is to protect them from facing up to things. Distracting behaviour includes removing a hair from your jacket while talking, sabotaging a conversation by making a joke, interrupting a conversation, frequently changing the subject. There are many types of distracting behaviour that people use to deflect attention from a subject that may be reminding them of their feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. (Over time this becomes a pattern and they are not consciously aware of what they are doing)
The placater is out to please – talking in an ingratiating way, never disagreeing and always seeking approval. Feelings of an inability to cope alone create a martyr or ‘yes man’ (or woman!). A placater is often the first person to accept blame when things go wrong. (Over time this becomes a pattern and they are not consciously aware of what they are doing)
See the previous blog post;)
Computer-like behaviour is very correct and proper but displaying no feeling. The voice is dry and monotone and the body often very still and precise in its movements, which are at minimal – masking a feeling of vulnerability. (Over time this becomes a pattern and they are not consciously aware of what they are doing)
And there’s the Leveller but that’s for next time
My youngest grandson was playing next to the slide, being the dare devil (polarity responder) he is, he decided it would be more fun to climb up the slide rather than slide down it. He started up it. No sooner was he on his way, a boy about his age came running over to him and started to put him to rights, ‘you can’t do that. You’re not allowed, stop it now or I’m going to go tell my Mum.’ My grandson jumped down from the slide and thought about what he was going to do next. Interesting thing was that the telltale began to follow him. Whatever my grandson did, there he was with a new threat to get his mum if my grandson didn’t do exactly what he said. The telltale was going to make sure others followed the rules even though he had no direct authority. And if he could out them for not following the rules, he might just turn out to be the ‘good’ one in the eyes of the ‘boss.’
When it comes to your working life, you need to be emotionally mature and able to act professionally in every situation so that you can be viewed as mature or professional by your managers and bosses. If you act like an immature child, it’s likely that management will see you as immature, and treat you accordingly. I’ve noticed curiously that in organisations where the words professional or professionalism are bandied about that’s where the concepts of professional or professionalism are applied least. (And the words are also used to blame others for people’s own shortcomings).
What does this mean at work (or life in general)? In both of these cases, the behaviour got the person something (the swing to themselves, the power to influence the boss). The problem is that in the end these children had no one to play with. Well no one who is into healthy relationships.
NLP uses something called the Satir Categories based on the work of Virginia Satir, one of the categories (more about these next time) is called –
Blamers find fault – never accepting responsibility themselves, always blaming someone or something else. They feel unsuccessful and lonely. They will sometimes have high blood pressure, (or other disorders and/or feelings of inadequacy) and come across at times as aggressive or tyrannical. They will tell you what is wrong with things and whose fault it is, and in doing so become powerless to do anything about it. By blaming external factors they have absolved themselves of responsibility. (Over time this becomes a pattern and they are not consciously aware of what they are doing)
In respect of work (or life in general) ask yourself
• Are you doing things that may be costing you ‘friends’ or just people to get on with (who are mature and responsible)? If so, what could you be doing differently to ‘play nice’ with those around you?
• If you come across one of these patterns in your playground (at work), what do you do?
Say ‘No.’ They probably won’t like it, but they’ve got to learn eventually that real adults ‘share their toys’ and play nice with others around them.
Unless you want to do the same job for the rest of your life, get the same results as you always have done (which blamers inevitably do) no chance of promotion, then it’s a good idea to pull your socks up, grow up, and prove that you are emotionally mature enough to handle moving up in the company to a better position.