I’ve moved my bog to a Blogger platform (sorry WordPress ) you can find me and my reflections on, well some on retirement and some on Turkey and a great deal on people and how to deal with them please go to Rosie Reflecting
Some people don’t like to be told what to do. They want to decide for themselves. Depending on how you say & do something (or don’t say & do it), your ideas will be considered or immediately dismissed by them. When people are in this mode, they are have an Internal Motivation Pattern.
When people are in Internal Mode, they like gather information and evaluate it for themselves and hate having someone decide for them. In fact, they love to make their own decisions, based on what is important to them.
So here are the Top Ten Things to Avoid Saying to an Internal
Words That Close Minds
1. You should …… (almost guarantees they won’t)
2. I need to talk to you. (especially unhelpful to say to your partner in life)
3. I have the solution to your problem.
4. I know what you did wrong.
5. I know why that won’t work.
6. I told you so.
7. I have a better idea.
8. You should have an open mind about this.
9. Here’s what everyone thinks about what you did/do/will do.
10. No one is doing that any more.
Top Ten Suggested Things to Say to an Internal
Words That Open Minds
1. I have an idea that I’d like to run by you to find out what you think.
2. May I make a suggestion?
3. What would you think if we ……?
4. When you are deciding about X, what are the most important things?
5. I have an idea that may not be completely useless.
6. Here’s what I think….. what is your opinion?
7. You said that X, Y, and Z were important, so that’s why I’d like to suggest ….
8. Here is something that you may wish to consider.
9. Here is something that you may wish to avoid.
10. You be the judge.
It’s interesting to note the differences between the two approaches. The first list is mainly about deciding for the other, while the second encourages the other person judge for his/herself.
What other differences do you detect between the two lists?
With thanks to Shelle Rose Charvet
Eisenhower Was a Very Astute Man. And did you know that he came up with the Urgent/Important Matrix before Dr Stephen Covey? I didn’t, until I was reading the ILM (Institute of Leadership and Management) magazine Edge several years ago.
Eisenhower said ‘An intellectual is a man who takes more words than is necessary to tell more than he knows.’
The Urgent/Important Matrix is about using time effectively, not just efficiently, and in my experience the more effectively you use time the more efficient you become
In this day and age there just never seems to be enough time. Is this really true?
How often have you taken time out to ‘Stop and Stare’? And perhaps realise what you are doing is getting you nowhere. We’re anxious, we can’t concentrate, everything gets in the way, and then, we simply blow. We tell ourselves that we can do so much because we have so many ‘labour saving’ devices, smartphones, PCs, laptops, we can be contacted anywhere at any time.
In spite of all these gadgets and online calendars (that everyone can set us up appointments with (if we let them) – do we really mange our time efficiently?
Do we spend our time on things that are important and not just urgent? It’s important to distinguish between important and just urgent.
- Important activities have an outcome that leads to the achievement of your goals.
- Urgent activities demand immediate attention, and are often associated with the achievement of someone else’s goals (ah had you noticed that?).
We often concentrate on just urgent activities. The things that make the most noise, the things that demand attention because the consequences of not dealing with them are immediate.
The Urgent/Important Matrix is a useful tool for thinking about this.
Eisenhower said, ‘What is important is seldom urgent and what is urgent is seldom important.’ This so-called “Eisenhower Principle” is purported to be how Eisenhower organized his tasks. Dr Stephen Covey made the idea more public in his business classic, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. Covey called it the “The Urgent/Important Matrix” It is something I use myself regularly and I encourage my clients to use it too, because it works in reminding us what is really important.
The Urgent/Important Matrix is a powerful way to use to think about priorities. Using it helps you prevent the natural tendency to focus on urgent activities, so that you learn to keep enough time to focus on what’s really important. This is the way you move from “fire fighting”, into a position where you can grow your business and your career.
This is how it works:
Divide an A 4 page into 4 as below
Deadline driven projects
Recognising new appointments
Interruptions, some phone calls
Some mail, some reports
Proximate, pressing matters
Trivia, busy work
Some phone calls
Assess the importance to all the activities on a scale of 1 to 5
Remember Eisenhower also said: ‘Leadership – the art of getting someone else to do something that you want done because he wants to do it.’ (Words that Change Minds – the LAB Profile – the language of influence is useful for facilitating this)
When people see you are clear about your objectives and boundaries, they will generally not ask you to do ‘not important’ activities in the future, and at best do it themselves or find someone else.
I read somewhere recently ‘do the hardest work first’, that most great achievers take onthe difficult work of practice in the mornings, before they do anything else. Ah so that’s why I prefer to exercise in the morning because we tend to move away from pain and toward pleasure, so for me in the evenings lounging around is preferable. Of course mornings are also when I have more energy and am less likely to be distracted. Not that the distraction is necessarily negative, but other people will have demands on my time, their need might be greater than me. The client in despair (I need to listen and advise), the supplier who wants me to pay them (we negotiate), the trainee who suddenly has sent me some work in, that they need me to give feedback on (either before they take the next step or they might have made a choice that is not necessarily the right one).
So I need to do the hardest work first, in terms of the Language and Behaviour Profile, I can be both towards and away from, I do weigh up the consequences (not all the time – I’m human after all) and evaluate is that a potentially good decision? I’m motivated both by what I can achieve and sometimes will achieve so I’m also motivated by possibilities and options. Too many options and we do nothing, here’s an idea, there’s an idea, how about this idea? If you are someone likes lots of ideas some of the time, or if certain circumstances it can be difficult for you to make a choice, or you never make a choice and if you work with other people, those other people can be left behind. Uncertain of what they are supposed to do with all the opportunities you have given them, especially when they were working on getting something else finished. A little follow through on your behalf would be good, otherwise the others are overwhelmed, or they just give up and walk off.
Too much time spent on the “what ifs” usually leads to inertia, stagnation, being stuck, especially if you like detail and get lost in the detail, it becomes difficult to find your way out of the maze. Add to that if you need other people to tell you if you’ve done a good job and there’s no one there in the maze with you then you could be stuck for ever in despair. On the other hand if you know yourself that something is wrong here and you spend a lot of time looking for things to confirm that then you’ll be even more stuck.
Just do the hardest work first, get it out of the way, get on with it, get your finger out! Stop saying I can’t, if only, I need this, I need someone else to, I have to.
Consider this there are some things you do really easily, quickly, with aplomb – do you see these things in some way? Do you hear sounds in your head about these? Do you have emotions or feelings in your body about them? Do you taste something in your mouth? Do you smell something? Do you talk to yourself about these things? And whichever one of those you do, how do you use your internal representations to make them appealing? Think about this.
Then consider those things you find hard to do, yet it would be useful for you to do them, how do you represent these things to yourself, well one of them anyway, let’s not overdo it here;) What happens when you change the way you represent (think/feel/see)this to make things more appealing?
A useful tip in respect of reactions to ‘things’ that happen.
No one can ‘make’ you do anything, comments like ‘every time you do that you make me’, ‘that just made me’, ‘people like that make me’ – all of those statements are really just an excuse – we are refusing to be response- able.
It’s useful to remember that you are in control and therefore when someone else does something you have a choice to respond or not and when you respond it can also be useful to remember that you are response-able. Able to respond in a way that is appropriate for you. So when someone you are getting to know says or does something and it starts to ‘make you’ react in some way, perhaps you can use the ‘bubble’ (as in ‘Being in the Present’*) or use the ‘circle’ (as in ‘A Good and Resourceful State’*), think about what to ask next or question what the other person is saying (in your head first and think about the tonality, the words, your body posture). Check out is this some ‘programmed’ reaction from the past? How important is this person to you? Would you be willing to change your response, are you willing and able to make this change to the way you respond? And become able to respond in a better way.
* Refers to chapters in the book ‘Finding the Relationship you Deserve’
I’ve just republished my very first book ‘Finding the Relationship you Deserve’ on Kindle Direct Publishing – available from Amazon and I thought I’d share a reader review here –
Note the title is “Finding the Relationship you deserve”, not “Finding the Person you deserve”
Yes, initially it does cover Self Respect – ensuring your criteria for the person you hope to meet is true and good for you, but it then shows you how to develop a loving, fair and lasting relationship.It gives you tools to act like a reasonable adult in a relationship, it’s about the other person too – understanding why we all act differently and giving grace to others’ actions and cautiously wondering if we could improve aspects of our own actions or beliefs.
The author Rosie O’Hara delivers personal coaching and training in many areas. I have trained with her and she excels in personal development – if there is an aspect of your personal life (you as a person) you want to improve Rosie is a person that will know how you can do it, and show you how to.
This book is worth buying – to keep, and to read more than once: useful not just for the primary relationship in your life but also for any other relationships. It provides clarity on why some relationships fail and how others benefit from some understanding and perhaps a little change of mindset and purpose from ourselves.
Be kind to yourself (or a friend) and buy it: it is also a lovely read and the perfect size for a handbag, to dip into when you have a spare five minutes and then to carry those thoughts with you until you can read a bit more 🙂 Carol Imray
Case Study 1
An organisation intended that within 2 years its staff will work from home. To prepare them for this, they learned how to use the Language and Behaviour Profile and its language patterns.
In the first place the senior manager discovered as a person they were too fast for the remainder of the team. Good in some respects, yet when explaining to the rest of the team what needed to be done, the others were often still thinking about the first part of sentence A, whilst the senior manager was on sentence D. The senior manager learned a little more about themselves and what type of language and behaviour patterns they were using. As well as learning how to slow down and deliver what needed to be said sometimes using language that was alien to the senior manager (who was highly visual, focussed on getting things done, quick thinking, goal focussed). They also learned the right language that worked for their staff about prevention, avoid this or that, sometimes talking about the problems to be avoided rather than the benefits.
The result was cohesive team working and a better understanding of one another and meeting of objectives.
Another member of the team complained that the senior manager “doesn’t listen when I talk to them”. She knew from this learning that the senior manager prefers to see things, so the suggestion was made that team member put what they wanted to say either on a simple spreadsheet, or preferably on a PowerPoint slide with some neat graphics, printed it out and physically took it to the team leader and asked “May I show you this and talk you through it.” Did it work? Well the senior manager wrote in an email to the consultant (people with a visual preference like emails) “I see you’ve been giving my team tips. Guess what? It worked! I was more prepared to listen”.
A further team member is very good at getting work done, but more so than the senior manager leaves the others behind, whilst they bulldoze on regardless, with no regard for the culture they are working in, or the culture they are living in. There are conclusions to draw from that, as the person is not really ideal in this environment.
Some of this management team became aware that they are not suited for working at home; they need to be with other people. They work best with others around them, not because they want to chat, they just need human company.
This type of profiling requires skill and can be learned by a member or members of staff, it is always carried out face to face, either as a profile or in listening for what others say or how they write.
Case Study 2
Some individuals are ‘paralysed’ by options, opportunities, and possibilities? So many things they could do and if they decided for one or the other of them, they would worry that there might have been or will be a better option, opportunity, or possibility coming along than the decision they have made or are about to make.
A lawyer we worked with stated ‘when I heard you mention this that it sent a cold shiver down my spine, I can identify with that. I spend ages in inertia, and then I do miss out.’
His tendency had been to shrug his shoulders and say ‘oh well that wasn’t the right thing for me.’ ‘Another time maybe’, ‘that’s the way life is,’ ‘not my turn this time’. He had noticed that this infuriated others; these people wanted him to ‘get a move one’, ‘for goodness sake – do something’, ‘do it now,’ ‘do it before it’s too late’.
Working with this individual he learned to let go of his ‘gut feelings’, ‘his personal preferences’ and be clear when the work in hand was truly in the best interests of others and ‘client’ rather than what he felt was best. He was able to act in a more precise and cost effective fashion. (Freeing some time up for his work/life balance).
Case Study 3
who was receiving coaching (from another party) and wasn’t getting anywhere (there were many reasons for that). Listening out for this individual’s language patterns it became clear that in their previous position they had worked well because they motivated by deadlines given by others and that these patterns were effective for that individual and always had been. We set up an effective plan for that person that is still being followed through and has again not only impacted on work but also on their work/life balance, as they were able to take the decision to buy permanent accommodation and stay in the area.
Case Study 4
Local government officers implementing change management.
One of the traits of a great many local government employees is the aspect of a ‘job for life’. This has led to a large number of employees who have a requirement for things to stay the same on a continuous basis. One of the best anecdotal examples of this comes from someone’s personal life (this is easier than pinpointing an individual’s work)
These individuals like to do the same job over and over again. What might seem boring and repetitive to you is actually enjoyable to them. And similarly what is different and new may seem awful to them. So for an individual who likes a great number of things to stay the same; he’s lived in the same house for years. For years he also always purchased the same diary for week (he liked to get his own) it was always purchased at Woolworth. I’m not sure if you can imagine the how shocking it was – to him – when Woolworth closed down. However he assures me he’s found an almost identical one somewhere else. Careful use of the language patterns surrounding the Language and Behaviour Profile can keep this type of person employed in the right manner. If necessary the patterns can also be used skilfully to facilitate early retirement or to get things moving in other ways.
We have used these patterns to train continuous improvement officers to get a buy in from with teams entrenched in unproductive habits and then to ultimately get the teams to accept change. This also allows some individuals to self-select to leave without pain on all sides.
Particularly in today’s economic climate where companies and organisations are being asked to downsize, make cuts, lose jobs – there is the need for an effective methodology that has been tried and tested, and one that also gives options to ensure that there is the “right mix of people” for the job. Soft skills are sometimes hard to learn and often underestimated. Required job skills can be trained either on the job or in other ways. But personalities sometimes will just clash.
How can this be made easier? Is there a magic wand? In short there is no magic wand. Everything requires work, which is sometimes a problem as human beings just don’t want to do the work themselves, it “should” be someone else. After all we all know “it’s their fault” and we are entirely blameless.
There are tools and techniques – the often misunderstood NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) is not just a trail of techniques to make you feel good, change habits etc. But rather NLP is something that neither is whizz bang nor is it hocus-pocus. It’s actually about language and skilful use of language and recognising the language that is used by the people we want to influence. By becoming skilled in recognising this language and using skilful questioning techniques we can facilitate a climate of understanding, easing stress and becoming the company to work for. Not just because we are a company that pays well (it helps) or has good employee benefits. But a company or organisation that takes time out to listen, and respond in an appropriate manner and carry the things through that we promise.
Add the Language and Behaviour Profile to NLP and you have “Words that Change Minds” and it might be your mind not theirs that changes.
The LAB Profile Consultant:
- will design learning programs for you that actually change behaviour
- uses advanced LAB Profile® coaching methodologies to help clients shift
- helps you create marketing materials to attract more customers
- helps you solve your clients’ most difficult communication situations
- understands the language pattern combinations that make customers buy
- will help you create communication strategies that reach into people’s minds and hearts
- will show you how to predict and influence behaviour with individuals, teams and mass communication challenges
- knows exactly what language to use – or avoid – to motivate and inspire
- knows how to help you develop the right approach to lead your key teams and employees
- enables you to build high performance teams
- helps you manage strategic meetings and high stakes negotiations
- will diagnose corporate & team culture to introduce change, and make it stick
The LAB Profile® is a set of about a dozen questions that you can feed into casual conversation or use as a formal survey for groups. You pay attention to how people talk when they answer, rather than what they talk about. Even when a person does not answer the question directly, he/she will reveal his/her pattern by the manner in which he/she answers (or doesn’t).
As you become familiar with the questions and the kind of responses people give, you will find that you can hear and pick up the patterns people use without having to actually ask the questions. You can immediately use the Influencing Language that is just right for the situation. People communicate with their particular patterns naturally as they speak, both in words and in their body language, and they respond immediately when you use their language.
Many people and organisations on five continents are now using these tools to:
- establish a deep level of rapport and communicate effectively with anyone
- take the pain out of implementing organisational change
- shorten the sales cycle and guarantee customer satisfaction
- design powerful marketing and advertising campaigns
- hire people who are motivated to perform
- dramatically improve results in negotiation and litigation
- adapt training and education programs to satisfy diverse needs
- increase self knowledge and self esteem
- simplify career counselling and professional coaching
- create high performance teams by managing peoples’ strengths instead of suffering from their weaknesses.
What you will cover
- the 6 Motivation Triggers that people need to get excited about something
- the 8 Working Traits that describe how people process information, environments they need to be productive, their response to stress and how they get convinced
- how to discover the patterns for an individual or group
- using the appropriate Influencing Language for maximum impact
- irresistible language
- how to apply this tool to any communication context
- Health care
- Customer Service
- Personal Relationships
- Team Building and more
3-day Practical Course including LAB Profile ® Practitioner Certification, workbook, ceritificate, lunch and refreshments
plus beforehand setting of measurable outcomes
afterwards one hour individual coaching session
follow up after 60 days
What we will cover will depend to some degree on the group.
Our aim is for you to:
- Refine your skill in eliciting a Profile
- Hear and use many more examples of various language patterns
- Learn to identify Default Patterns
- Know which pattern in a profile is most important – the ‘driver’
- Discover typical patterns for various situations – e.g. someone in a ‘stuck state’, someone committed, someone happy with you/your work
- Pick up patterns during normal conversation
- Improve on predicting behaviours from pattern combinations
Outline of course
The LAB Profile Practitioner Course (Words that Change Minds) is a 3 day course – training hours 9.30 am to 5.30 pm (30 minutes lunch)
Background and history
Following a set process we work with the Motivation traits, working in two separate contexts to enable awareness and understanding of how we and others react differently given different situations (contexts). We also look at cultures be they work, family, study, country etc.
Continuing with the same contexts from the previous day we work with the Working Traits. Plenty of participant interaction and examples relevant to your situation. We also look at cultures be they work, family, study, country etc.
The second half of Day Two covers videoed (and if possible live) interviews for practice after which there is discussion and feedback
The first half comprises videoed (and if possible live) interviews that are assessed, feedback follows later and on the basis of that any advice that might occur for the individual.
The final half of Day Three gives the learner the opportunity to put what he/she has learned into practice under supervision and with trainer input.
Cost £ 750.00 per person for course delivered in Forres, Moray, Scotland
or enquire for your company/organisation course
Contact me on +44 (0) 7796 134081
We naturally believe that people are ‘like us’ and when we don’t get our message across, then we naturally become annoyed. The LAB Profile® enables better understanding all round. Words That Change Minds (The Language and Behaviour Profile®) is an effective methodology for understanding people, as well as ensuring that community and stakeholder engagement is covered from all angles. It is a methodology that equips the user with language and language patterns to use so that people know that they are listened to. The LAB Profile® gives the user language tools with which to understand where mismatches in consultation and implementation occur and to remedy them efficiently by meeting people where they are in terms of language.
Words That Change Minds enables users to listen effectively and to put aside possible assumptions that people do not want to listen, will be unhappy, are being obstructive and more. The methodology enables the production of an effective procedure and development of options to get people to listen and also to understand why consultations are and have been necessary for example.
The LAB Profile® provides clear insights into how people make decisions and thus moving processes and more forwards to facilitate effective decisions and prevent problems from the past. Users can look at all sides and influence the most intractable to understand, as well as either co-operate, work around or move on in a manner that is useful to all those concerned.
With the LAB Profile® you will have a clear methodology for determining single and complex motivation patterns in individuals and groups to enable you, without fail, to go to the bus stop where your customers are waiting for you.
Influencing language from the LAB Profile® ensures you can get your customers on the bus to work with you as the supplier, provider, organisation, or employer of choice!
- Two options therefore, buy in training for yourself and/or your staff to become skilled in the LAB Profile® or hire in Rosie O’Hara to consultant on your staffing hiring or retention policies and procedures or customer policies, designed and tailored for your organisation or sector
Applications in amongst others :
- Market Research
- Mediation and more
– and just think of the applications at home with significant others and those at home known as teenagers (and teenagers you can use it with your parents!).
Phone +44 (0) 7796 134081
Arrange a face to face discussion at a mutually convenient time.